“Well heifer, you better listen. You come up pregnant and that’s it. You can forget about doing somethin’ with your life. ’Cause that man ain’t gonna be there. I’m gonna start sending you back to church. Just ’cause Mama ain’t here don’t mean you can’t go …”

I grabbed a spoon from the drawer and starting eating my food standing at the counter, my back to her. My tears just fell in my plate.

“I’m serious,” she went on behind me. “Jewel is right. You need to keep your head in them books and off them boys. They don’t mean you no good.”

I chewed for an extra long time, not wanting to move too much because I really wasn’t in the mood to argue or fight. Not today. I had some things to figure out. Before I knew it, Ma’s hand was on my shoulder. Light this time. I turned around. I didn’t want her to see the lies in my eyes so I just looked up at her and stared at her scar. She brushed the tears away from my face.

“Girl, stop crying. Ain’t nothin’ to be crying about.”

A softness crept into her voice that I hadn’t heard in a long time.

“Is this the shit you want? You don’t want to travel and see the world? Get a good job? Have a nice house? Get married? You don’t want to do none of that?”

I didn’t know what to say. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I just didn’t think I could. Or didn’t know how to do all that stuff.

“You gettin’ to be to that age now where you gotta start thinking about something more than hanging out and babysitting. And bringing whatever grades up in this house. You gotta think about your future and what you gonna do when I’m gone.”

“You ain’t goin’ nowhere,” I cried.

“I might,” she said, her hand holding on tighter. “I’m getting sick of shit myself. I might just up and leave one day my damn self. Not tell nobody where I’m at for a change.”

She let me go real quick and just turned around. On her way out she told me, “And I ain’t gonna be here forever anyway so you need to start thinking about what you gonna do when I’m gone.”