There was no way, without lying, to give an answer that would satisfy her. She wasn’t blind—she had two big black eyes wide as moons to look at me every day and see I wasn’t what the world thought was fine. She knew no one from the male species ever came by—for me or Ma. She had never had to click over for us while she was talking on the phone to Hakim. If I was lucky, Nakesha would call and we would gossip a little about school—not much, since those who were talked about like dogs never felt qualified to return the favor. So if I told her no, she would want to know why. If I told her yes, she would want to know more.

“Yes and no,” was what I decided on.

“Now you sound like your neighbor,” Jewel replied. “Either you with somebody, or you ain’t.”

“I like somebody,” I told her.

Why hadn’t I seen the Black boy with white cheeks anymore?

“And I think he likes me,” I imagined.

Jewel laughed, high and tinny. Joyful. And relieved. Her embrace tightened. Her mouth touched my ears when she whispered: “Does he talk to you all the time?”

I nodded.

“Does he make you laugh?”

This time, a giggle accompanied my head nod. And a tear slid because all I wanted was for my lie to be the truth.

“Does he make you feel like a little girl when you’re with him, like all you want to do is take a day off just to play?”

I couldn’t respond, or she would have known I was crying. So I just held her arm tight across my neck, my eyes across the room, hating the sex panties, wanting to burn them and forget the times I had worn them, because then I could forget the times I let Leroy take them off.

“Well, go ahead, baby,” Jewel said, and though my back was to her the singsong sigh in her voice let me know she had closed her eyes.

“Go ahead … fall in love.”

THE SECOND BAD note hit when I finally got the call I had been waiting for. After that last night with Leroy, heaviness had come out of nowhere, sat on my eyelids, and refused to budge. I didn’t yearn for sleep as much as I just needed snatches of time—on the bus, in my classes, at the kitchen sink washing dishes—where I could just close my eyes to throw off the weight. Now, the brats had to wake me up just to remind me it was time for them to go to bed.