That time, a palm and not just fingers.

“Ow!”

“If I have to ask you one more time, I’m getting your mother. Now I know you have something to hide. Answer me. And look at me. And dammit, don’t say ain’t.”

“You say it.”

“I’m grown.”

It was 12:37 A.M. What Jewel didn’t realize was that Ma would have whipped her too had she been shook up less than five hours before she needed to rise.

I wanted the wall but needed to avoid Jewel’s eyes. I stared at the brass doorknob and the wire hanger of drying panties dangling low. I hoped it wasn’t true that mothers (and aunts too, I guess) could sniff a little loving out of a girl’s panties. It had been over a month since the last time, but I swear our love smell lingered no matter how much Purex, Clorox, and Snuggle I tossed my undergarments with.

“I’ve been working for them for a while, so over the months he just done told me stuff.” I wasn’t lying.

“That’s a whole lot of stuff to be telling a young girl. Shivana, he hasn’t tried to touch you, has he?”

“No!” I could face the sex panties no longer, and needed the cold comfort of the empty, chilly white wall. But I couldn’t turn around and I couldn’t face Jewel. I fixed my eyes on the Jet magazine cover torn from the hinges for the sake of keeping Al B. Sure at arm’s length.

“Are you telling the truth?”

“Yes.”

“Promise?”

I knew I had to look her in the eyes to answer. I squirmed around: “Yes.”

Jewel let me go and I sunk toward my white wall.

“I was going to say … that no-good Black nigger won’t be in the jail. I’ll make sure he’s under it.”

Lying there in her arms, I wished Jewel was a big sister and not an aunt. Maybe then, I would have told her I wasn’t as naïve as she thought I was, the niece who still laughed at cartoons and could be placated with the promise of ice cream. I knew I wasn’t a woman—yet—but I had gotten off to a good start. I had lain with my legs spread waiting for a man to come on top of me, just like I knew she would do when she finally got into the arms of Hakim. Just like Ma before she stopped having the man company that used to make her smile, before she stiffened into the bad attitude that wouldn’t loosen its grip. As if she could read my thoughts, Jewel suddenly asked: “You got you a boyfriend, Miss Thang?”