THE LAVA LAMPS in Rasul’s bedroom cast a psychedelic spell on me as tie-dyed colors danced across the walls, giving his dark room an orangish-red tinge. Only a couple of days after I had left, I was back, curling up under him to fill the void Nakesha had left by ending our friendship. Twista’s latest underground mix-tape played low in the background while I lay on the bed against Rasul, my head resting on his chest. He chainsmoked Newports and listened to me breathe in the dark. I had shown up at his door around seven only to collect my clothes and money, thank him for his hospitality, and apologize for the mess I had brought through the front door. Surprisingly, he had invited me in. Real cool and relaxed, we just talked about things. By the end of the conversation, he was making fun of Hakim’s accent. And we were locked in each other’s arms. He pulled me into him tight, but I always pulled away. I knew what he was trying to do—hit it raw before my belly got too big to get in the way. All of this courtesy was an act, theatrics. What else could he possibly want with me? He knew he couldn’t get me pregnant again, so he was just going to have his fun and throw me away. That’s what they all did. So I kept my guard up, no matter how good it felt to have somebody this close to me. I was going to give him some, when I felt like it. When I knew Ma had arrived home from work, I did the right thing and called.

“I’m at my friend’s house,” I told her, being honest about something for the first time in weeks.

“Nakesha?”

“No, Rasul. The boy you met.”

Rasul’s aunt and uncle weren’t coming home tonight, so if she tripped I could stay here if I wanted to. Because of the letter, I decided the time had come for me to be gentle—but truthful—with her.

“And I’m just supposed to accept that you laying up with some grown boy?”

“I’m not layin’ …”

“Bring y’ass home.”

“No.” I was firmer than I had ever been with her.

“Shivana, bring your ass home right now. Don’t try me ’cause I will come down there.”

“Ma, I ain’t doin’ nothing but watchin’ TV … having some fun for a change.”

“You ain’t over there just to watch TV otherwise you’d be watching it here. Now I’m puttin’ on my shoes.”

“Well can he come over our house?”

“He can stay his ass at home where he belong. Now don’t make me come down there.”

“I’m not coming then.” My nerves had me shaking since I had never talked to Ma this way. But I was going to stand my ground.