Scooting in closer to the table, I tuck my messenger bag under my chair, and we never position ourselves so that our backs are to doors or any other egress. We don’t place ourselves in front of windows that might make us as conspicuous as fish in a bowl.

In fact we really aren’t shown to a table as much as we’re deployed to one. Benton and I locate ourselves where we can keep up our scan of what’s around us, making sure nothing could surprise us from behind or through glass. In other words, in my husband’s safe home away from home, we sit at dinner like two cops.

We couldn’t relax if we didn’t, and it’s the little habits that are sobering. It’s impossible not to be reminded that we belong to a small and special tribe. The tribe of the public servants who are traumatized.

“Are you sure you’re going to be all right in the air-conditioning?” Benton asks as a waiter heads our way, an older man who must be new. “Would you like my jacket?” Benton starts to take it off, and I shake my head.

“I’m fine for now. I’ll manage. Again I apologize for ruining what was left of our night.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You haven’t ruined anything.” He opens his white napkin and drapes it in his lap. “Well, maybe your panty hose. How did that happen by the way?”

“Oh my God. Is there anything I’ve not been asked today?” Then I feel irrepressible bubbles of laughter rising up my throat as Benton watches me quizzically.

“Is there something I’m missing?” he finally asks, but the waiter is waiting.

He stands by our table in his white jacket, starched and buttoned up, and he has the gaunt face and loose skin of someone once handsome who lost a lot of weight. He looks at Benton, the pen resting on the order pad. We’d like water before anything else, my husband says, and suddenly I remember my panty hose in the ladies’ room trash and I’m amused again.

“I’m sorry.” I dab my eyes with my napkin. “But sometimes I’m struck by the absurdity. To answer your question, I ran my hose just like any other woman, I’m sure.”

“I doubt it.” He’s watching the waiter talking with the young man we saw out front a few minutes earlier, both of them checking on a big table set for a large party, fussing with silverware, repositioning the flower arrangements. “Usually your mishaps involve sharp weapons, body fluids, and blowflies,” Benton adds.

“I ran my panty hose on a gurney, one of those cadaver carriers with a crank for raising and lowering. As I was helping lift a body off I got snagged, possibly on one of the casters.”