But did he? He didn’t know what Hudson was thinking when it came to him. To them. Hudson had tried to talk about it at breakfast, but hearing those words, Ben had sensed the closing of a door that was too newly open. The thought that it might be closing forever had terrified him, and so he had put his hand on it, held it open, at least for a while longer.

He told himself that Hudson had no reason to stay, either with him or alone. He had come there in search of only one thing. When he found it, he would go. Perhaps he would remember Ben fondly. Perhaps they would even remain friends. As for anything else, Ben couldn’t think about that. The belief that he could never have it made it impossible even to consider; it would only make it harder when the logical end came.

Oh, but how he wished it didn’t have to come. Although he told himself not to think it, he did. He wanted Hudson in his life. He had no right to, but he wished he could make him stay. He considered the possibility that this was only because Hudson was his first. It seemed so silly to think of it like that, as if he were a teenage girl mooning over the boy who took her virginity from her. Ben was hardly a child. But the feeling was there, undeniable, no matter how juvenile it might seem.

He was not Hudson’s first, of course, although an unfamiliar part of him wished that he might have been, years ago, before they both chose other paths. Why should he hope that he was as important to Hudson as Hudson was to him? There existed, he assumed, an inequality in what each of them provided the other, and it was this inequality that put him at a disadvantage. He risked having his heart, which felt newborn and tender since Hudson had touched it, crushed beneath the weight of disappointment.

Embarrassed to be thinking such things while his daughter looked on, he remembered the feel of Hudson’s mouth on his. He recalled the movement of their bodies against one another, the meeting of flesh and muscle, the thrill of discovering that he was capable of longing and desire. Had Hudson felt those things as well, or was it for him just another encounter among many?

“You’re at one-fifteen, Ben.” Adam’s voice startled him. “We’re going to bring you back up in stages,” he continued. “Just lie back and enjoy the ride.”

Outside, he saw Hudson say something to Caddie. She nodded. What were they talking about? He wondered, absurdly, if this was what it was like to be a fish at the aquarium. Did they look out at their visitors and ponder their inner lives? Did they resent being the objects of curiosity, and were they curious in turn?