Inside, he returned the manuscript to the briefcase. Sorrow held him in its choking grip. The manuscript felt like a curse, something he could only escape if he either fulfilled his promise to Paul or passed it on to someone else. Then, maybe, he would be free of it.

He wanted to talk to Ben. But even that had been taken from him. He hadn’t returned Ben’s calls for two days, not since leaving the house after the fight with Caddie. He knew Ben didn’t understand what had happened and couldn’t imagine that Caddie had told him the truth. She’d wanted Hudson out of the picture, and she’d gotten her wish. She wouldn’t, Hudson imagined, do anything to make herself appear to be at fault.

Not that she was, really. She had only brought to light something that Hudson hadn’t seen before. As far as he knew, Ben was still in the dark. And maybe it was best that way. If Ben did feel something for him, it could only end badly. Like it did with Paul, he thought.

After he’d realized that Caddie was—probably—correct, he’d asked himself if he was to blame. Had he somehow caused Ben to think that he was interested? Was he interested? He’d honestly never considered it. But forced to, he’d had to admit that he was, or at least could be. If Ben wanted it too, he thought now.

That, he told himself, was why he had to leave. He wouldn’t put himself in that position. Not again. It had nearly killed him the first time; he didn’t think he was strong enough now. Neither is Ben, he told himself.

His mind was made up. He would leave as soon as he could. He would go back to Yale, to Marty and the safety of his old life. But it’s not safe, he realized. It won’t be safe until you’re done with this. There was, he saw, nowhere to run. Paul’s ghost waited for him in New Haven, had followed him here. Those of Steinbeck and Ricketts were there as well. He was haunted. There was no going back and no going forward.

He looked in the mirror and saw that the backseat was crowded with passengers, all of them watching him with dark, accusing eyes.

“Goddamn all of you,” he muttered as he started the car. “It’s time to put an end to all of this.”

CHAPTER 35

CHAPTER 35

“Any idea why your father is in such a bad mood?” Angela added two more flashcards to the pile already on the table.

Caddie kept her eyes on the computer screen as she answered. “I think he’s just tired,” she said. “He hasn’t been sleeping.”

“Well, I wish he’d take a nap,” said Angela. “He’s been a bear all day.”