RACHEL K. has been flourishing internationally, and I’ve started writing songs for a possible future solo album, though I’ve been struggling with writer’s block these days, with images of my torn-up song diary emerging in my memory when I try to focus. It’s okay, though. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself. Right now, it’s just about learning to love music again, and finding my own creative voice. Besides the beginnings of an album and my work with RACHEL K., the only other creative pursuit I’ve been working on these days is this scrapbook I’ve been putting together as a gift for Leah. SayGO just earned their third number-one hit single, and I wanted to congratulate her somehow. I know that she is close with her groupmates and that they’ll probably celebrate together. DB might even throw them some sort of party—three number ones in your debut year is a huge accomplishment. But I never want Leah to feel like she has to rely on her groupmates or DB for support. After all, we’ve both learned that that support could disappear in an instant. But family is forever.

I scroll through old photos on my laptop as Alex arranges his bookshelf, whistling “Let It Go” to himself while he works—after many virtual movie nights with the twins in which they refuse to vary the film selection, he’s got it stuck in his head. The apartment is still new, but it’s already starting to feel like home. I’ve been spending a lot of time here, bouncing back and forth between Alex’s place and my family’s apartment.

I pause as I come across a series of photos from Girls Forever concerts throughout the years. There are so many. I think I have more photos of myself with Mina, Lizzie, Eunji, Ari, Sumin, Jiyoon, Youngeun, and Sunhee than I do with literally anyone else in my life. It’s strange to think that there won’t ever be a photo with the nine of us in it ever again. My heart tightens at the thought, and I have to swallow the lump in my throat.

Since the day DB kicked me out, I haven’t had any contact with my former groupmates. It still stings to think about them, but the pain gets a little less every day. I’ve finally started to believe what Carly said about the fog clearing and the misery not lasting forever. It’s like what Umma said too. My best days aren’t behind me. They’re waiting for me. Some days it’s easier to hold on to that than others, but I’m still here and that’s enough for me to keep on going.