It sounds a lot like what Akari said, and I feel a wash of admiration and awe for women who have gone through so much worse than I have. But Akari forgot to mention something else I’m learning about what it means to hit rock bottom—it shows you who really matters in your life. People who actually see you for you. It gives other strong women a chance to come forward, reach out a hand, and say I’ve been there.

“I believe you,” I tell her with a small smile.

“That’s all I ask. Well, no, that’s a lie. There’s one more thing,” Carly goes on, her voice as perky and fast-paced as ever. “The main reason I called. Like I said, Discipline still wants to do a brand partnership with RACHEL K. in Asia. So what do you think?”

What do I think? I thought the shoot with them was a disaster—my awkward splits–slash-face-plant in the snow may not have been turned into a GIF on the internet, thankfully, but it still replays in my memory on a not-infrequent basis. That catastrophe, plus all that’s happened since I was cut from Girls Forever… Even after all Carly’s kind words, I honestly don’t understand why they’d still want to be associated with me.

“But how—why?” I blurt out, fearing I’m sounding about as awkward on the phone as I was in person on the slopes.

“Well, for starters, people are obsessing over the winter campaign.”

“They are?” I’ve been so narrowly focused on the cascade of press around my splitting from Girls Forever—and trying, when I have a spare brain cell, to answer queries about bag delivery times and fabrication specs—that I hadn’t even realized the Discipline campaign had gone live, let alone that it was doing well.

While we’re talking, I race over to my laptop and start googling for the images, scrolling through with my eyes rapidly widening. I see that they barely used any shots from the slopes—but picked up quite a few from inside the lodge. I see how natural we both look in the sunlight pouring through the windows—me and Carly laughing like old friends. It hits me that maybe it was through failure that the best shots actually came. When I wasn’t scared of screwing up anymore because I already had. When there was nothing left to do but relax and shine.

Still…

I’ve never sung a solo before.

Sometimes as part of a Girls Forever show, yes, but never at an event when I appear all by myself from beginning to end. My head is spinning.