“Leah,” I say, feeling both the weight of it all and the relief of finally sharing how I’m feeling. “I’m terrified at all times these days—terrified of ruining everything I have, of letting others down, of not being the best. It’s so much pressure. How can I possibly know if what I’m launching into next is right or wrong?”

“Well, what does Alex think? He always seems to have good advice.”

“I…” My voice breaks and there’s no way to hide it, especially not from Leah.

“Rachel,” she says gently, grabbing my shoulders. “Are you and Alex… over?”

“No, no,” I rush to assure her. “It’s not that. It’s just—I haven’t told him about all this either.”

“But why?” Leah asks. “I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t you just talk to him about—”

“Because!” I say with more force than I mean to. I set down my eyebrow pencil and lean against the sink so I’m parallel with Leah. “Because,” I continue more softly, “I’ve known these girls for half my life, and Alex hasn’t. I feel like I owe it to the group to figure this out on my own.” Alex has always been supportive of my goals. And he wholeheartedly supports the group, too. But I have a feeling the girls won’t see it that way. If Alex is the one who helps me come to a decision—whatever that decision ends up being—will the girls hold that against me too?

“So you’re, what, just avoiding him because you don’t already magically have all the answers?” Leah says with an air of unsentimental practicality that sounds a lot like Umma.

“Kind of.” Truth is, I’ve been responding to his texts with Super busy rn let’s discuss it soon though! And Ha ha totally and Gotta run. He must suspect something is up, but so far he hasn’t called me out on it. I just miss him so much and trying to talk about these weighty things over text feels so insufficient.

“Doesn’t he deserve to know how you’re feeling? He’s your boyfriend, isn’t he?”

And that’s the million-dollar question right there, isn’t it? It’s clear Alex wants to be my boyfriend—already considers himself to be so. And I want that too. But in the real world—my real world—the label “boyfriend” is precarious territory. Juhyun used to say, in high school, you can pick two: friends, good grades, or sleep. Well, apparently, in the world of K-pop, you have to choose between your group, your passion, and your love life. Choosing between the three feels like being forced to pick which finger you could do without. But at the end of the day, you have to figure out what your priorities are.