Those were the words Cory said over the phone yesterday morning when I’d agreed to his deal after not having slept or ate or done anything but stare at the wall of my bedroom. I could almost imagine him clapping me on the shoulder with pride.

And I hoped he was right. I hoped this would be what was best for my mom, that I could finally give her even an ounce of all that she’d given me over my life. She had sacrificed so much for me — her youth, her body, her time and energy. I’d never seen her buy something for herself, not in all the years she raised me, because every dollar she had either went to bills or to me — mostly so I could play football.

And so, I would sacrifice for her. Over and over again, no matter how much it took.

But it didn’t make any of it hurt any less.

Maliyah lit up like fireworks on the Fourth of July when I told her I wanted to try again, and she confessed to me how heartbreaking it had been to watch me with Giana. I told her it was all just a ruse to get her back, and she had smiled with the satisfaction of knowing she’d won.

It was an awful, disgusting lie — one I couldn’t seal with anything more than a hug, which I was surprised didn’t make Maliyah suspicious. I told her I wanted to take it slow.

The truth was that I couldn’t imagine ever kissing anyone who wasn’t Giana ever again.

So, Mom was happy, and Maliyah, and Cory, too.

But I was miserable.

And so was Giana.

That was enough for me to wonder if I’d made the right decision, after all.

When I closed my eyes to try to sleep last night, nightmarish visions of Giana beating on my chest kept me awake. I could hear her cries, see the tears staining her cheeks as she begged me not to break her heart.

And she knew, even without me saying a word — she knew it wasn’t me in that moment.

How she knew, I’d never understand. But even as I stared at her unwavering and told her we were finished, she somehow fought through her own pain to try to shake me awake, to try to make me put myself first.

That was what fucked me up the most, the fact that even at my worst, she somehow saw through it all to my true heart.

But what she didn’t understand was that this wasn’t about sticking up for myself against Maliyah, or even my father. This was about caring for the one person who had cared for me.

It wasn’t the time to put myself first.

And one day, I hoped there would come a time where I could tell her everything, make her understand.