Using his fingers on my chin, he tips my head back, and I look up at him. “I still want you to change your last name. It might not be a big deal to you, but you don’t belong to him anymore.”

“Okay.” I close my eyes as they fill with tears.

“You’re stuck with me, Franny. Ring or not, for the rest of my life, I’ll choose you.”

CHAPTER 18

Dayton

With my back pressed against my headboard and my computer open on my lap, I listen to Franny getting ready for bed in the bathroom. We’ve settled into this nightly routine over the last couple of weeks. It wasn’t something we’ve ever spoken about: we never had a conversation about her sleeping over, but every night after we take PJ out, she stops at her place, gets whatever she needs, then comes upstairs with me, and we get ready for bed. That’s what life is like with her, there is no plan, everything just happens organically. I should have taken that into account when her father asked when we were getting married, but with her, I’m so fucking selfish that even having all of her, I still want more.

I’m sure that’s tied up with my past, my earliest memory isn’t a memory but a feeling of being alone, I can’t ever recall the context, but the emotion behind it is so strong I can feel it still today if I think about it. All of my childhood memories are like that. Every single one of them is centered around some painful emotion. I don’t know if I had good times growing up, if I was ever happy, if I ever laughed, felt the warmth of a hug, or heard my mom or dad tell me that they loved me. When I try to remember, I’m met with a blank slate like there is nothing there. Does that mean those things didn’t exist for me? I don’t know. I do know that my childhood is one of the reasons I’ve struggled with understanding my own emotions over the years.

Desire is easy; you know when you’re attracted to someone, the same way you know when you’re afraid, angry or happy, but love in my experience has been different. It’s like the current in a still stream, you know it’s there, that the water is moving but you can’t always see it.

I love my family, but my love for them was built slowly over the years on a foundation of mutual respect, acceptance, and longevity.