Because I’m only twelve now, I can only

visit my daddy during certain times

and only with my mom or aunt or grandmas.

Never alone.

But I can bring my guitar.

The first time I visited, Mom said I’ll wait outside the room,

let you two have some Man Time, kissed my forehead.

Said Everything’s going to be all right.

My daddy moves slow, sleepy-eyed, and sometimes

his words don’t always come.

In the hospital he looks smaller than he really is,

his voice softer.

But when I take his hand, he looks at me and smiles, says

Little man. My little man. Play me one of your songs.

Until the doctors figure out what’s wrong,

this is what I have for him.

My music, our songs.

This is what he has for me:

the smile that comes when I play, the one that’s really his

when he’s remembering again,

when he’s seeing me, ZJ,

his little man.

He has his hand holding on to mine,

his voice lifting up when he remembers our songs.

And we have this moment—Mom coming into the room,

standing at his bedside.

Listening to the music my daddy and I can still make together.

Knowing we have my grandmas and auntie at home,

cooking for us. Ready to laugh with us.

And sometimes to hold us

while we cry. We have Sightman and Bernadette.

I got my boys.

And we have some kind of tomorrow somewhere,

when we’ll know

what happened to my daddy’s brain.

We have the history of a pig bladder

flying through the air, becoming

a football, becoming a game

my daddy always dreamed of playing

and then did play

for a long, long time.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

In the late nineties and early 2000s, when football players began to experience what ZJ’s dad experiences in this story, few families understood why. But most families knew something was not right. Symptoms included headaches, mood swings, confusion, depression, aggression and memory loss. It wasn’t until 2002 that Dr. Bennet Omalu discovered that the same brain disease affecting boxers (where the term punch-drunk comes from) was also harming football players. Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) is a degenerative brain disease found in athletes and others who have suffered repeated blows to the head. At first, many doctors did not want to believe there was a connection between brain damage and America’s most popular sport, but Dr. Omalu persisted, and in 2016 the link was finally acknowledged. And while football helmets protect the skull to some extent, it’s not enough.

While there is still no cure for CTE, people can get some help now. Thanks to Dr. Omalu, a lot more is known about CTE.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

The Editor