because what did love feel like
if it wasn’t abuse anyway
when you left
i didn’t cry because i was broken
i cried
because i survived
you
tried to leave pieces of me
scattered in places i’d never think to check
but i
discovered them anyway
beneath the tear-stained pillowcases
we slept on
the morning mugs
you often placed your lips on
in the shower
as suds replaced your kisses
and
in my heart
where most of them remained
because scattered or not
they didn’t belong to you
and
they would have found their way back to me
anyway.
believe me
i will go on living
just as i was
before we met
i
will not allow this
to make me feel
as though i
can’t
there are
pieces of me
living within people who once held my heart
pieces of me that i never want back
not because i’d need them
to feel whole
but because i gave them away
so someone else could.
and when it was over
i came up gasping for air
as if i’d forgotten how to breathe
- the breakup
love
changed me
it made me feel like
i should be second
it made me forget
i had needs
it made me compromise myself
and ultimately
it broke my heart
you told me to swallow my tongue
not literally of course
but you made it impossible
to speak
without being interrupted
without sounding like i was not smart enough
without ever feeling like
you
were listening
and so
i ate it.
you let the perception of love
abuse you
after raising
nurturing
and most times
stepping completely outside of your being
simply handing yourself over
all because
you
believed
you
found it
so busy being
everything
to no one
that mattered enough
to tell me that
i am
everything.
and just like that
e v e r y t h i n g
about you suddenly changed
the way you looked
the way you talked
and even your actions
because i
no longer cared.
me
attracting people who need me
but don’t know how to treat me
simply because
i
haven’t stayed consistent
and faithful
to myself long enough
to be found
by someone who does.
treating someone the way they treated you
doesn’t prove how badly you were hurt
instead, it’ll prove
how long it takes for you to heal.
you do not feel this bad on your own.
learn to hold people accountable
for how they make you feel.
matter over mind
everyone loves to talk about a sad woman
as if she
doesn’t have a journey
a message
as if she
isn’t a walking testimony
as if she
will never be happy again.
and
if your heart says feel everything,
that’s EXACTLY what you do.
being broken is a matter of opinion
you
attracting people who need you
but
don’t know how to treat you
simply because
you
haven’t stayed consistent and faithful
to yourself
long enough to be found
by someone who does.