i realized

i am nothing with you

even though

i

still

want to stay

i am

waiting

at the end of the promise

you

forgot you made.

do you know what it feels like?

to constantly get pushed out

while

being asked to stay?

only you

telling me that i’m beautiful

as if i’ve never heard it before

only you

giving me everything

i’m looking for

again.

- new bae

being with someone else

doesn’t always feel like

a new start.

i prayed

you

would be my one and only

and you were.

however

for her

you were the same

- the other woman

the problem wasn’t

me belonging to you

it was that

you

never belonged to me.

i stayed longer

longer than i should have

trying to teach you how to love me

when i

didn’t even know

what that meant.

i cried myself to sleep while

you

lay next to me

unbothered

unaware

and

uninterested.

i tucked myself in again that night

and told myself

i didn’t need a goodnight kiss

or empty i love yous

because dreams will be had

regardless of this nightmare.

the more i listen to myself

the closer

i am

to the truth.

trust the voice your gut is pulling from

- instinct

you

are the prettiest bouquet

of dying flowers

i

have ever seen.

i

like a fool

stayed

waiting for the day

you

would do something different

i

was exhausted

slowly beginning to realize

we couldn’t be

because

i couldn’t find the balance

of loving you

while holding on

to me.

i

loved myself first

and even then

they

didn’t love me back

we

have been back at square one

at least

one hundred

times already.

- starting over

don’t stay feeling sorry for me

i’ve been in so many pieces

enough times

to know how to put myself together again.

- pity

attempting to make something a whole

of two halves

isn’t impossible

it just isn’t common

with what we are doing

- broken hearts

i tried to forgive the lies you told

but

your smile

makes me remember

- trust issues

i expected you to fix me

failing to realize soon after

you left

i

would still be broken.

and

the main reason i left

was because you

expected me to stay

here i am

loving something so deeply

and desperately wanting it back

although

if i had it

i wouldn’t have known what to do with it anyway

you

missing me more than you have ever loved me.

- irony

go ahead

talk about me in the worst way imaginable.

just try to forgive yourself

afterwards.

i’m sorry

sounds a lot like

forgive me

but

it’s really meant to mean

i’ll do it again.

not only is it harder

it’s almost

impossible to forgive someone

who expects to be forgiven

again.

i decided

i didn’t want to be a pawn anymore

but

how else would i win

if i didn’t sacrifice

pieces of myself.

- love in the name of chess