In my head, I can hear her say, It’s all right, darling. Just talk. I’m listening.

I take a deep breath.

“It’s just that I needed a few moments to collect myself after what happened. And see, those moments turned into a few years. I just wanted to thank you for saving me. For being the best mom a girl could have. I’m so sorry my guilt stood in the way of doing the right thing. I promise you, it’s over now. I’ll be good to everyone who is still alive and I love. Everyone.”

And I mean it. Everyone.

The grave looks back at me. I still think Mom’s death could have been prevented, but I no longer think I should pay for it with my own life by merely existing. There is no point. I know Mom would not draw any pleasure from knowing I am miserable. I know she would have wanted me to go to Berkeley. To be with Joe. To pursue my dream. The one that had made me so self-conscious and her so proud.

More than anything, I know that Mom would have wanted me to design her gravestone. She always joked about it while she was alive, obviously thinking it would happen in many, many decades.

It is not too late now.

“I can’t make up for what happened. I wish I could. I wish I would have put my phone aside that day. Paid more attention to you. But since I can’t go back to change the past, I’m going to do the one thing I know for a fact you’d have wanted me to do. Do you think Dad and Renn would mind?”

The grave is completely silent, of course, which is fine. The alternative would be terrifying. I know Dad and Renn would support this. So I sit in front of my mother’s grave, take out a sketchbook and a pencil, and start sketching.

When I get back home, I call Gemma Graves. She is surprised but happy to hear from me. I ask how she and Brad are doing.

Be good to those who are still alive. I made a promise. I am going to keep it.

“It’s hard to answer that question,” she says. “Some days it is bearable. Some days it is not. The one thing both days have in common is that we can’t control them.”

I tell her that I’ve been meaning to catch up for a while now, and I apologize for not calling earlier. “I’m trying to get better at keeping in touch,” I explain.

“Baby steps are the best steps. We learn a lot from them,” comes her reply, sure and sunny, just like Gemma herself.