“So, spit it out. Who is it?”

“Who is what?”

“Montana, don’t play with me. I just passed up the Barbra Streisand Holiday Look-alike contest to be with you, okay? Who did you choose?”

“I want it to be a surprise.”

“A surprise?! To who? Me or you?”

“To you and everybody else. I’m expecting him here any moment. He doesn’t live in town and the earliest he could make it here was nine o’clock. But he promised me he’d be here.” Both of us looking at the clock on the wall that now read 8:51.

“Nine o’clock?”

“Nine o’clock.”

“It’s almost nine o’clock now. Don’t you think you’re cutting it close?”

“He’ll be here. Wild horses couldn’t keep him away.”

“For your sake, I hope you’re right. And speaking of wild horses, where is Gail? I thought she would be here too.”

“She’s probably somewhere getting engaged herself.”

“Oh, that’s why the horse-drawn carriage was missing a Clydesdale…Gail’s getting engaged? To who?”

“Curtis.”

“Curtis who?”

“Curtis.”

“The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want, Curtis?”

“Yes.”

“Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, Curtis?” I nodded my head yes.

“In the beginning God created—”

“Yes, yes, yes! That Curtis.”

“Hmmph, straight folks.”

Just as I was about to spill the whole Gail thing, we were interrupted by the sounds of tapping on a microphone. “Testing testing, one, two.” It was my mother settling in at the podium.

“Everyone, may I have your attention, please?” The band stopped playing their Christmas medley, and everyone in the room grabbed their drinks, their mates, and quickly made their way to their seats.

“I’m so happy you all could make it to Baltimore this year to join me on one of the happiest days of my life. As you all know, my youngest daughter Sheree announced almost a month ago that she is getting engaged to a very fine young man from Philadelphia. And in keeping with our family tradition, we wanted to welcome him into our family in advance, giving him a chance to meet everybody, and one final chance to back out before we all started spending our money on gifts.” The whole room erupted in laughter. My mother was a ham and loved being the center of attention.

“And my oldest daughter, who is also Sheree’s maid of honor, has an announcement to make of her own. So, without any further ado, I present to you Montana.”

Almost instantly the whole room broke out in cheers and a standing ovation as I reached the podium and approached my mother, who leaned over and whispered into my ear while still faking a smile.

“Don’t make an ass out of yourself. And don’t look at me that way. Ass is in the Bible.” Smiling and waving, she stepped down from the podium, leaving me alone.