Philomena    I can’t . . . why would they want to – they know I’m not a man.

Raymond (pouring a glass of whisky)     Here, drink this, it’ll calm your nerves.

Philomena    Thank you, but –

Raymond    No, please, I insist.

Charles returns from the bathroom, looking decidedly ill. He is surprised by Philomena’s presence.

Raymond    Charles, I’d like to introduce you to –

Bert    Our missing Munchkin’s here, Charlie, and he’s a fucken doll.

Raymond    This is Miss Kinsella, Charles. I was explaining to her that they’ve obviously made a mistake. I’ll be having words with Mervyn, see if we can’t find her some female quarters.

Charles offers his hand to Philomena. They gently shake.

Raymond    Charles is from your neck of the woods, Miss Kinsella. Now, what about the suggestion that we repair to the restaurant across the street before turning in? I don’t know about anyone else but I’m famished.

Raymond heads to the chest of drawers. Bert climbs down from the bed, then rubs his hands together.

Bert    I heard the food’s bad, but I don’t listen to gossip.

Raymond is looking on top of the chest and in his drawers for something. The cufflinks are gone.

Charles    I don’t know, will there be big people there?

Bert    Who you thinks gonna be waiting on us, Charlie?

Raymond    Everything will be in order and we’ll all be quite safe. This I guarantee. Miss Kinsella?

Philomena    I’m not staying here by myself.

Raymond    Good, that’s settled. Can’t seem to find those cufflinks . . .

Raymond has another search, then shrugs and goes into his case, produces a different set and puts them on. Charles pulls on his jacket. Bert is ready and clearly impatient.

Bert : C’mon. Ray!

Raymond looks suspiciously at Bert, then extends his arm in a loop and Philomena takes it. They exit as the lights go down.

Scene Two

Bert, Raymond, Charles and Philomena are sitting at an outsized table on outsized chairs in a restaurant. The large plates have been cleared and there are several huge wine bottles – all empty. The four big glasses each have a mouthful of wine left in them.

Philomena    That was a wonderful meal. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep tonight after having eaten all that.

Charles    Yes, it was rather a lot.

Raymond    It’s generally not a good idea to eat so much so late. Hard on the digestive system, you know. But I never have a problem sleeping, being a practitioner of the Alexander Technique.

Philomena    Thank you for making me feel so welcome, you’ve all been very kind. I didn’t mean to become hysterical, it’s just not what I expected . . . (To Charles.) You didn’t think I was hysterical, did you? Sister Helena used to say I was hysterical . . . I’d hate to think I’d been hysterical in front of you.