Philomena    . . . they say there are no other rooms and that I’ve got to stay in here and share.

Her eyes flit hurriedly around the room, taking note of everything.

Raymond     The desk said this?

Philomena    I think so.

Raymond    Oh, I’m sure it’s a mistake. They’ve got me down as a soldier on the call sheet. Oversights happen on productions of this scale.

Philomena    I, I don’t –

Raymond    I’m the Mayor of Munchkinland and they’ve got me down as a soldier. Simple oversight, dear, nothing to worry about.

Offstage, we hear Charles retching. Raymond and Philomena look over at the bathroom door. Bert groans and their attention is drawn to him.

Raymond    We’re expecting a Mr Kinsella. It’s on the call sheet. It says Kinsella. Mr Kinsella.

Philomena breaks down again, running to the chest of drawers and sobbing into it, her face turned away from them. Bert wakes up and watches them.

Philomena    Kin . . . that’s me. I’m Mr – I’m Kinsella. Philomena Kinsella . . . I just, I just want to go home. (She turns round to face them.) This is a mistake, I shouldn’t, they said I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t have come here.

Raymond picks up the call sheet and moves over to her.

Raymond    I stand corrected. It doesn’t say whether you’re a male or female Kinsella, accept my apology.

Philomena    I’m not a man.

Raymond    No, no, it simply says Kinsella. No Philomena, no female, just Kins—

Philomena    Oh, this is just . . . it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have come out here.

Raymond    Nonsense, whoever told you that? Don’t worry your pretty little head, Miss Kinsella, I’ll have a word with Mervyn, see if we can’t find you female quarters.

Philomena    Mervyn?

Raymond    Just got off the phone with him.

Philomena    And, and this, this Mervyn can, he can get me another room?

Raymond    Mervyn LeRoy, Miss Kinsella. Mervyn LeRoy the producer.

Bert    Don’t listen to him, honey. He’s full o’ shit. Used to be a big shot on the midget scene, now he’s gonna be playing third fiddle in a troop o’ Munchkin soldiers.

Raymond glowers at Bert.

Philomena (to Bert)    I shouldn’t have come . . . this is awful . . . they told me, they said something awful would happen.

Bert    I’ll take care of you, sweetie.

Raymond    Stay out of this, Kowalski.

Bert (patting the bed)     Climb up here, we can rehearse our lines together.

Raymond    Cut it out, Kowalski!

Bert    Can’t blame me for trying, midgets get horny too, Ray . . . remember?

Bert climbs down off the bed and goes to his case and rummages about in it, his back to the audience, clearly packing away his pipe.

Raymond leads Philomena to a chair and sits her down.

Philomena    This is just awful.

Raymond    Now, now, Miss Kinsella. Nothing that can’t be remedied.