But in the end she was right. We are who we are. There’s no escaping it. And I think part of me knew it, too.
11
Never have I been so close to utter ruin as I was on that cold winter weekend. But I made it through, somehow, and in the morning every inch of my body ached. Monday before payday, only four days to go. I was run-down, my eyes swollen and sore.
I took the hottest shower I could stand, then I walked to the train and stepped into the front car when it arrived. The heater was broken and I was the only person in it. I bent over in my seat and started crying. I didn’t try to stop myself, just let it come. The train running express from Belmont to Howard wouldn’t stop again for twenty minutes. I cried the whole way there, then walked the half mile sideways through the biting wind.
I sat at my desk and finally warmed after fifteen minutes of shivering. I placed my head in my arms and sat that way until Linda arrived sometime later. She unloaded items from her bag into her desk, then sat and started typing.
“So any conquests of coeds this weekend? ” she asked.
I lifted my head and looked at her. I was in pitiful shape and I knew it. I hadn’t intended it to be that way, not initially, but I knew Linda was my only hope and there was no point in hiding it.
“Stratton, are you okay? ”
I shook my head.
“What’s the matter?”
I shook my head.
“Stratton, what’s the matter?”
It took a moment to compose myself. “I haven’t eaten since Friday and I can’t stop my hands from shaking.” I held them up for her to see. “I think I’m losing my mind.”
“Stratton, hell, why didn’t you say something? ” She grabbed her purse from beneath her desk, started rummaging through it, and removed a bill. “Here, take this,” she said. She handed me a fifty. I looked at it in my hand, then up at her. I took a deep breath.
“You sure?”
“Yes, of course.”
I closed my eyes. “Linda, thank you so much. I’ll pay you back on Friday. I promise.”
“Take your time, no rush. Go get yourself something to eat.”
I left the building without clocking out and walked to a diner two blocks away. I ordered two breakfasts and I sat there trying not to shake until they arrived, and when they did, I ate every bit of both of them.