“Fuck you!” I yelled, and as she sat crying, she buried her face in her hands and I felt myself tense, clenching my own hands into fists while feeling the urge to swing at her. I think I might have even cocked my arm, and then from out of nowhere, her words returned to me: It’s me we’re talking about here. Cute and lovely little me. You shouldn’t be mean to me. I’m your laaaady, remember?
I dropped my head. Remembering those words had none of the pacifying effects one might assume; if anything, they made it worse, for I was well beyond reason and cheap sentimentality; I was, quite frankly, too goddamn mad. But what they did offer was a brief distraction, and during it I unclenched my hands and took a deep breath.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Carolyn said. She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I tried, but I just can’t do it.”
“Fine, Carolyn. Go ahead and leave, then.”
With her eyes still shut, and in a voice so soft it was almost a whimper, she said, “You push everyone away, Stratton. Everyone. Even the people who love you. Always so preoccupied with what you don’t have that you never realize just what you do.”
And she was right, of course, about everything, but I didn’t accept it then, and if I had, I’m certain I wouldn’t have tolerated the sight of my own image in the looking glass. But I could have guessed at how it’d appear, and instead of opening my eyes and shattering the mirage built on a foundation of lies and deceit, and thus owning up to the truth—which, even then, still had the power to save me—I chose the alternative, and simply turned away. For I was craven, and preferred to be wrecked by praise than saved by criticism.
“Well fuck it then, Carolyn. I’ll be the one who leaves,” I said in a level voice that surprised even me. She kept her hands over her face and continued shaking her head. Not another word was spoken. I simply turned and left, just as I had done when I had confronted her about the letter, just as I had done at the restaurant downtown. I just left, quietly shutting the door behind me, and once outside, I was met by the darkening night and the late August wind blowing from the east, coming in from off the water.