I saw his point. I didn’t need him to tell me that it made me guarded or that I never allowed anyone all the way in for fear of them learning the truth, that I’m almost always paranoid and afraid, which in turn makes me controlling even while knowing that the surest way to be wrong in any relationship, as with life, is to think you control it, and that it’s because of these fears that I’ve been mostly miserable in every relationship I’ve ever been in. It was no great epiphany. I already knew these things. I also knew that just because I had had my heart broken in the past didn’t mean it’d happen in the future, which was the conclusion I felt certain he’d try leading me to.

Gene sat, waiting for me to answer. And then he slowly nodded once. “Yeah, I know you get it,” he said, and it was as though he had read my mind. “She’s a good girl, Stratton. You’re missing out on a lot by keeping her at an arm’s length. Like I told you before, just after she had moved in: I’m not the one you need to reveal yourself to. That’s the benefit of friendships over relationships.”

I looked at him, the cigar in his left hand, the absinthe in his right. He knew far more than he should have. I hadn’t considered it before, but it made perfect sense.

“She comes up here, doesn’t she?”

“Of course she does. Most days when she doesn’t work. Sometimes we have breakfast together, sometimes tea. She loves you, you know.”

I looked away. Even her talking to Gene upset me. What had she told him that I wished he didn’t know? But then I realized there was little Carolyn could disclose to Gene that would bother me; I had revealed a good deal of myself to him already. There was but one secret I kept, and I had kept it from them both.

“And if you get jealous at that, I’m going to slap the shit out of you.”

I smiled. “I did just get jealous. I don’t know why.”

“Yes you do.”

“Yeah, I do,” I said. The thought of Carolyn enjoying herself and having a laugh with somebody else made me resentful, even if it was only Gene. It was stupid but true.

“Things bother me too, you know. Every time I’m with Linda I feel so goddamn guilty that it eats me alive. My wife has been gone for over twenty years now and I still can’t spend time with another woman without feeling like I’m betraying her.”

“That bad?”

“That bad.”