I stayed silent, making one final attempt to push the images away. But they refused to leave, clinging to me as tightly as a cat clings to the upper branches of a tall tree when you try pulling it free.
“What was it? I mean, really, what the hell was it that attracted you to him?”
She closed her eyes and shook her head.
“Why, Stratton? Why does it even matter? I had a relationship before you, big deal. God only knows how many you had before me.”
“What was it?” I asked again, this time with such calm intensity that I hardly recognized the sound of my own voice.
She stared down at the table. “What do you want me to tell you? I’m not going to sit here and apologize for dating somebody before I even knew you. He was a nice boy from my hometown and I fell in love with him and then I fell out of love. He wasn’t always the way he is now.”
Hearing Carolyn admit that she loved him did nothing to assuage my anger; it only made it worse. “Are you still talking to him?”
“No, Stratton, I’m not. I’ve told you that a hundred times already. How many times are you going to ask me?”
Our waiter returned. He placed our drinks on the table and, sensing the tension, quickly left. Carolyn stared at me. I lifted my drink and took it down in one big gulp.
“I don’t care about him anymore. I don’t. All I care about is you. But I don’t understand why you keep pushing me away with this shit.”
Her eyes turned watery and she dabbed at them with her napkin. I remained silent. I was being cruel, of course, and I knew it, for I wanted the very tears she had just dried. I needed them, and for no greater reason than to feel the reassurance that words alone couldn’t provide. I’ve witnessed in others the ability to seek approval without seeming needy or insecure, but I’ve never mastered it myself. My problem is that I sulk and turn mopey, so instead I learned to become mean. It took me a long time to figure this out about myself, and I certainly didn’t understand it then, in the restaurant. But that’s life; it only even makes sense when looked at backward.
She lifted her hands and slapped them down on her thighs. “It helped make me who I am, Stratton. It made me appreciate so much more what I have with you now. That’s all I can say.”