I remember my thumbs sinking into the icing as I picked up the cake and marched it back to my uncle and my moms. Who were still fighting.

“Herbert. This is a situation we can either choose to be CALM, in the interests of Grandmom’s birthday, or we can choose to make this day about conflict—”

“Jesus, LUCY!” Herbert thundered. “You and your fucking feminist politic—”

I remember Millie stepped back when she saw me, I guess out of the corner of her eye. Maybe to see what I was doing or what I was carrying. I gather she figured out what was about to happen just as I heaved Grandmom’s birthday cake up and slapped it into my uncle’s torso.

Lucy said she did think something was going on because she could hear my tap shoes as I stalked back over to my uncle from the dessert table.

My grandmom later expressed her relief that it was one of the store-bought cakes.

To this day, whenever I have to go to anything when my uncle Herbert is there, he always holds up his hands by his face when I walk in, like in defense of future cakes.

I could give you a few other examples of me doing this kind of thing.

Like when we lived in Kansas City and I started a hot dog fight at Debbie Smolkum’s eleventh birthday party after she made fun of my friend Alice’s bathing suit because Alice was wearing her mom’s old bathing suit. Debbie said Alice looked like a senior citizen. I told Debbie there’s nothing wrong with senior citizens. Debbie told us we couldn’t be in the pool because seniors pee themselves (not true) and so I walked over to Debbie and I hit her with a hot dog her dad had just grilled me on the BBQ, which ended up ruining the Smolkums’ pool because Debbie retaliated and threw a bun at me and it went into the pool filter.

(Which, let’s say it, that’s on Debbie.)

I will say I’ve never, like, physically harmed anyone. But overall it’s not good. I know it’s not good.

So, yeah. Anyway.

BACK TO THE IN-THE-NOW STORY

So, to recap. Tanner was a homophobic, sexist, probably other things, jerk.

I hit Tanner. . .with a pizza.

Still technically hitting.

I’m not exactly clear on how the actual full-on food fight started after I slapped Tanner with the pizza. What I do remember is that as soon as the pepperoni made contact, he basically bounced up from his seat, knocking me back on the ground.

(On my already bruised ass, BTW.)