For example, that performance I did at my grandmother’s ninetieth birthday, where my uncle pulled me off the stage because he thought I was in my underwear? (To be very very clear, I wasn’t in my underwear. Also why do girls always get accused of being “in their underwear” and boys never do? How are shorts so different from boxers?) Okay, so, what I didn’t tell you is what happened after he got me off the stage.

First of all the whole thing was a scene out of a family sitcom. Millie, who was running music and lights for my performance (like a desk lamp that I brought from home because the hotel didn’t have an actual lighting setup), jumped off the stage, ripping her phone free from the audio cord that was plugged into the sound system in the process, cutting off the music. In a flash she’d also yanked me out of my uncle’s grip.

Lucy, who was at the back of the room filming, bolted to the front of the room. I remember hearing the clip- clop of her heels on the floor as she raced toward us.

I, it was said later, was howling like a cat in the shower (not my description) this whole time.

Before Lucy got to the stage, Millie got into it with my uncle because Millie is not a fan of my uncle because he does stuff like this.

Millie got her face very close to my uncle’s face and growled. “Herbert! You TOUCH my kid one more time and they’ll be wheeling you out of here on a STRETCHER.”

Herbert doubled down, shoving me out of the way. “Maybe your kid shouldn’t be parading around my grandmom’s birthday party in her undies.”

Undies?

“Herbert.” Millie got even closer. “You SHOVE MY KID or say undies around my kid one more time, you won’t remember the experience of being rolled out of here on a stretcher because I’m going to beat you unconscious.”

At that point, Lucy arrived.

“Okay.” She stepped in between Millie and Herbert. “I need everyone to take a deep breath. Herbert. You owe Anne an apology.”

“WHAT? This is Grandmom’s BIRTHDAY, Lucy! You think you can come in here with your—”

Lucy cut him off. “Herbert. I’m going to have to insist that you bring your voice down.”

As Lucy attempted to de-escalate and Millie, I believe, considered the possible legal consequences of decking my uncle, I, still in my outfit and taps, released from my uncle’s grip, was walking through the crowd, toward the dessert table at the back of the room.