“On Valentine’s Day I walked in on some dude with a back tattoo going down on my mom.”

Dustin heard the words, but they didn’t really register. “Come again?”

“Dude, not cool, not cool at all,” Steven said, even though Dustin wasn’t trying to make a pun. “It was a dragon.”

“What was a dragon?” Dustin asked.

“The tattoo on the dude who was downtowning my mom!” Steven gagged a little. “It had wings on it. It was kinda baller, I mean out of context. It had these iridescent silver eyes that looked—”

“No one cares about the tattoo!” Dustin started pacing. “Did they see you?”

“Nah man, he was deep in there and my mom was staring at the ceiling. I had to come home and deliver a V-Day gift for my dad and there was music playing and I opened the door. God, why did I open that fucking door? My whole life would be different if I didn’t open the motherfucking door! Fuck! It even ruined my favorite swear word!”

Steven’s bedroom door swung open. Dustin and Steven stared at Nicholas, who was standing in the doorway. “Dude!” Steven said. “Don’t you knock?” Dustin saw the irony in this but kept silent.

“Yo, just got the final skin, Entropy, and it’s dope AF!” Nicholas declared. “I saw Hot Pockets in y’ fancy-ass fridge, can I snag a couple?”

“Nicholas,” Dustin said. “We’re eating dinner with Mom right after we’re done here.”

“Have as many as you want,” Steven said quickly. “Sorry, we’re just talking about my history paper.”

“No doubt, stay nerdy,” Nicholas said with no judgment whatsoever. “Nicholas out.” He shut the door.

Once Nicholas was out of earshot, Steven relayed to Dustin the whole episode in all its gruesome detail. It was obvious that Steven had been bursting at the seams to get this off his chest for some time, and the more he talked the calmer he became. Dustin, on the other hand, got more and more animated as the conversation continued. It was as if Steven had passed his psychological baggage off onto Dustin like a flash drive planted on an innocent bystander in a spy movie.

“Dude, I can’t even imagine…” Dustin said to his friend, even though he would still trade Steven’s mommy drama for his own if it meant Nicholas and his mom would mend their relationship. Actually, he’d have to think about that one.

“No, you can’t,” Steven agreed. “I’ve been avoiding her for days, but she’s starting to sense something’s up. You think it’s the Hot Pockets that fucked me? I left two in the microwave on Valentine’s Day. What if my mom knows I know about the dude with the dragon tattoo and his Big Baller shitkickers?”

Dustin was barely following the words coming out of his friend’s mouth.

“Dustin! Tell me what to do.”