‘I thought you said you were fucking your way through university?’

He hadn’t even finished the sentence before he regretted saying it.

‘I really had forgotten what a prick you can be, Cormac. Don’t you dare try to second guess what I am saying to you. You do not deserve a conversation, let alone an explanation, of what I did to help me get over your cowardice.’

He put his hand on her arm. She moved as if he had shocked her with an electric prod.

‘I am sorry, Bernadette. I had no right to say that. It’s just … it’s like I am trying to find the right words but the wrong ones keep taking their place. Yes, I got married, and all I can say to you is that I was alone in the world and I knew I could never go back. Jill, she was a beautiful and kind person, and I needed her. I was grateful for her unconditional love and I desperately needed someone to love. I was terrified and lonely, desperately lonely. Don’t you think if I could have, I would have sent for you? But I knew I couldn’t. I knew I would be putting your life in danger. If anything had happened to you, I never would have forgiven myself. I sacrificed us, so you could have a life, so you could be safe. The only way they would let me live was if I gave up everything I loved: my country, my family and you.’

‘What happened that night you left? I mean, I heard all the rumours that you were involved with the IRA and you were with Liam Conlon that night. I didn’t want to believe them at first, but as time passed, it was pretty obvious, even to a naïve girl like me, that you were mixed up in it, Cormac. Did you do those things?’

He had always known this question would come, if he ever met her again, but still he wasn’t prepared for it. He had buried the events of the night he left Ireland so deeply that not even Bernadette would be able to unearth them. It was as if they were the actions of another person. They were the actions of another person. He did what he promised himself he would never do to her. He lied to her.

‘No, I wasn’t mixed up with Liam that night. But he told me what was going to happen. I was threatening to go to the police about it. That’s why they made me leave Ireland. Now if you don’t mind, Bernadette, I would rather not go there again. It is very painful.’

He avoided her gaze. His palms were moist on the railings.

‘Do you know what, Cormac? For the first time today, I really don’t think I believe you. But it’s no longer here nor there for me anyway. So you can lie, tell the truth, or do whatever you want to do. It’s no longer my problem. I was just curious, that’s all. But I will survive without knowing the truth. I still find it hard to believe that you would have been involved in something like that, but whatever.’