“No,” I said huskily. “But it has a way of making things happen.” All at once I was exhausted beyond any normal condition of the body. “Know what?” I waited for her to lift her eyes to mine. “I don’t know anything. I thought I did.”

At passport control, we shuffled forward with the line, standing closer together than we would have a week before. She thanked me twice for taking her along; for Alison, that amounted to gushing. I said I should be thanking her. She didn’t ask me why. I wanted to follow her into the departure lounge and board the waiting plane. We reached the front of the line. In a hesitant, unfamiliar voice, she said: “What was Maddy like?”

The officer beckoned us forward with a winding-up gesture.

“Kind,” I said. “Funny. Talented. Everyone loved her.”

“I could never be like that,” said Alison.

“Me neither.”

We embraced clumsily and she lifted her carry-on and hurried to the barrier. At the last minute, she turned around and waved with her boarding pass.

I ran up, as close as I could get. “Do you want to come to the lake with us? Before Christmas?”

She gave me the faintest of smiles. “I’ll think about it.”

32

My philosophy is do everything all at once. And find everything out all at once. Am I impatient? Maybe I am. Mom’s friend isn’t doing great. But getting back to the question I asked you before, why do you think my mother would be angry with you? Do you think you’ve had time to think about it? I would be really curious to know. As well as other things. Like where do you go on vacation and what do you play with your boys, and are they any good at art? Cloud’s got sharp teeth. She doesn’t mean to hurt me. Say hi! She’s waving her paw.

The day Alison left, an email arrived from Antonio, wondering if I had time for a drink that evening. We met in a pub on Sicilian Avenue. I asked if he was free by any chance the next day, after my interview at the Hayward Gallery. It turned out he was, and the following day, and the day after that.

We were together by five-thirty and parted by seven. We chose a different place each time, somewhere central. Small talk saw us to our seats, whereupon Antonio raised his finger to summon the waiter. He never struck up a conversation with staff; he did not have Robin’s affection for wageworkers, and besides, service had to be prompt. We were short on time.