“After I found out, I told myself I would tell your mom. Then days passed, months passed, and Shannon was born. And every day afterward, I kept begging myself to tell. Then years passed and the lie got so big . . . and you and Cole were getting so big. It killed me to think how much it would disappoint you. I felt so . . . so ashamed. What would people think? And I knew your mom would never forgive me. I didn’t want to lose my family. I couldn’t lose my family,” he says, tears coming down fast and hard.

I feel sorry for him. Sorry for the part of him who’s still that hurt little boy. Mostly sorry that the little boy is still there, hurting. Sorry that after all these years, Daddy still hasn’t learned how to heal him.

But I’m still pissed. At all his lies, his betrayal of Mom . . . of our family. Even at how he treated Shannon. I can’t imagine how knowing you’re a secret child must feel. So much of what my dad did is messed up. So much of my dad is messed up.

How am I his daughter and know better than he does? It’s not normal. I swear it’s like we’re in some kind of twisted world where our roles are reversed, where I must grab his hand and pull him along, even though it’s not my job. “Well, you can’t keep Shannon in hiding anymore. We have to get to know her,” I say, not believing my own words. “And you need to tell Cole.”

All Up in It

REX

In the car my father asks, “So, what’s going on with Carli?”

I turn my head and eye him like, Why you all up in mine? but he’s too focused on the road to notice. I’m really not used to him being in my business like this. All week he’s been coming into my room, asking me about this or wanting to know that, I guess trying to have more of a relationship. I mean, in theory it’s what I want, too, but dude, can we ease into it?

“Not much,” I answer. I really don’t want to talk about Carli. I already think about her enough. Every time I see a girl with big hair or a girl wearing jean shorts or leggings or Nikes or a thin gold chain. Don’t even let me walk by a hedge of jasmine (nothing on Earth smells as good as Carli’s hair). I can’t even get a T-shirt out my drawer without thinking about her. Or go outside in the woods behind the house. Or blow my own nose. Basically, I can’t do shit. It’s like my mind isn’t even mine anymore.