“Yeah, try couples counseling,” I say, pushing past her annoyance. You see, the scared part of me doesn’t care about her annoyance. Or about betrayal or the responsibility and trust of love. The scared part of me doesn’t care about how much that man has hurt Mom. Or me for that matter. All it cares about is me staying intact. Less ground shifting beneath my feet. Keeping my family together, my life together—myself together.

“Look, you may not understand it, Carli. But I’ve made my decision. Everybody has to live their life making choices for themselves, choices that will hopefully lead to happiness. We may get it wrong sometimes, but all we can do is our best. And this is me doing my best. I need to move forward, and this is the only way I know how.”

“Well, I’m gonna move forward and divorce him, too.”

“You say that like it’s easy.”

“Well, it looks easy enough for you.”

“What do you want me to do, Carli? Cry forever? Stay in pain forever? That’s no way to live. I love myself too much for that.”

Love myself. I wish I knew what that felt like. I don’t even know myself. How can I love what I don’t even know?

“And there is no divorcing your dad.”

“You sound like you’ve never heard of people divorcing their parents.”

“Look, Carli. Clearly your dad has some work to do on himself—”

“You can say that again.”

“But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s your dad. He loves you. You don’t want to throw away that relationship.”

“But she calls him Daddy.”

“Shannon?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he’s her dad, too.”

“Well, she can have him. I don’t want him anymore.”

“Look, Carli,” Mom says, and briefly reaches over to touch my thigh. “Your dad will always be your dad. Yes, he has another daughter. But that’s a fact you’re going to have to accept. You have every right to be shocked and angry and hurt. But at the end of the day, none of that will change what is. You need to talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Make him tell you what you want to know about the situation.”

“But he’s a liar,” I say, feeling my heart swell up in my throat and warm tears run down my cheeks. I turn to look outside the window at the darkness on the side of the road, hoping for some kind of sign. But the darkness won’t say anything.

“Yeah, but you can still talk to him. One of the reasons he probably lied all these years is because he was scared of losing our marriage. But that’s already gone.”

If only I could be gone.

It All Comes Down

REX