Blow over? This shame I feel isn’t blowing anywhere. It’s clinging to every thought and feeling inside of me. I can’t feel hurt without the shame. I can’t feel sorry without the shame. I can’t feel weak or stupid or sad or mad or disgusted or embarrassed without the shame.

I almost wish I hadn’t run out of the locker room before the team came in and was riding back on the bus with them. Maybe they could curse and stare the shame out of me. Maybe Coach could continue yelling and finger-wagging the shame out of me. With the big bus engine rumbling beneath me and all the rage and disappointment piercing me, maybe the shame would seep out, little by little.

But there’s no one sticking it to me in my father’s car. No engine rumbling, either. The ride is smooth and silent. I try to hold on to the sound of the tires’ revolutions, but it’s too faint and I keep losing it to the shame.

I grab my headphones out of my backpack, blast J. Cole, and lean my head against the window, wishing I could run out into the darkness. Wishing I could run and run and run and never come back.

CARLI

No way I was riding home with the team. No way I was riding home with that man, either, even though it’s his weekend to have Cole and me. After the award ceremony, I didn’t even go near him. I rushed up to Mom, told her I knew about Shannon, and begged her to get me out of there.

Riding home in her Discovery, I have to ask, “All those years and you never knew?” I’ve never imagined Mom as the kind of woman who could pretend to be blind, but maybe I don’t know her like I think I do. Wouldn’t be the first time I got a parent all wrong.

“No,” she says, briefly taking her eyes off the dark road to look at me.

I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. “You never even suspected?”

“No. I mean, I always knew your dad was dealing with things he didn’t want to share with me. But I always thought it was related to the pain around his parents’ death, you know. And I thought I could help him, love him through it, you know.”

I do know, because I thought I could do the same for Rex.