‘This new juicing regime is giving me strength I never knew I had,’ said Dionysus blandly, looking as if he might vomit at any minute as he strained to push out a press-up.

‘I never heard such a loada guff,’ Demeter grumbled, efficiently pumping out her exercises next to Hestia. ‘You need a good pie and mash. I’ll juice it for you if you want, you great nelly!’

‘Brother!’ yelled Poseidon, jumping up at the sight of Hades rushing into the hall. ‘Yer back up faster than a dodgy prawn. What news?’

‘Long stawry,’ said Hades, looking over the floor of prostrate Gods. ‘Let’s just say I haven’t exactly been myself lately . . . Geez, someone lose a contact lens?’

‘NONSENSE!’ Achilles blasted. ‘I’VE GOT PERFECT VISION! HAD BOTH EYES REPLACED AFTER A NASTY RUN-IN WITH THE NORMANS IN 1066! THEY CAME FROM AN OWL! MY NIGHT VISION IS SPOTLESS!’

Achilles’s head rotated 360 degrees.

‘IN FACT, YOU COULD SAY I’VE GOT EYES IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD. HA HA!’ he roared. ‘NOW, LET’S SEE YOUR SQUATS. I WANT THOSE BACKSIDES SO LOW I COULD BUFF THE FLOORBOARDS WITH YOUR BUMS.’

‘Have you got Elliot with you?’ Zeus panted, running over to Hades.

‘’Fraid not,’ said Hades. ‘But I did pick up these big lugs on the way. Figured we’re gonna need all the help we can get. Hit it, boys!’

He held his hands up with a flourish. A few solemn guitar chords played outside the hall and a lone voice sang:

I know I said I’d always try

But now this week I’m gonna die

I love you like my blue suede shoes

I love you like the life I’ll lose . . .

‘Blimey,’ whispered Hermes. ‘Come back, Persephone, all is forgiven . . .’

‘Some intro that was, Jason, you moron mornay!’ shouted Theseus, striding in behind Jason strumming his guitar.

‘Don’t worry, Dad,’ boomed Hercules, pacing up the hall and slapping Zeus on the back. ‘I’m used to dealing with emergencies. This is nothing – last week I had to fight off thirty crazed angry women, armed with nothing more than a party popper.’

‘The Amazons giving you grief again?’ said Zeus.

‘Hen night gone bad,’ sighed Hercules. ‘How was I to know that they didn’t want a sleepover with real hens?’

‘I’m ready to FIGHT!’ roared Theseus. ‘And I won’t rest until Thanatos is served seventeen different ways with a side order of pureed Daemon. AAAAAAARGH!’

Theseus hurled his meat cleaver across the room, where it landed with a clunk in Achilles’s foot. The Olympians gasped.

‘Oh, my Gods! I am SO SORRY!’ Theseus screamed.

‘NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!’ yelled Achilles, popping the foot off the bottom of his leg. ‘CAN’T FEEL A THING. HAD IT REPLACED AFTER A NASTY JUNGLE SKIRMISH IN VIETNAM. THIS ONE’S MADE OUT OF BANANA LEAVES. ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY, BUT SLIPPERY AS A BUTTERED PENGUIN!’