‘I’VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A SHOWER OF DODGY OLD DEITIES IN ALL MY BORN DAYS! NOW GET DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY!’

The Olympians dropped to the floor for the umpteenth time that morning and attempted another twenty press-ups.

‘Achilles . . . old boy . . .’ Zeus panted, ‘while . . . I’m . . . delighted . . . you’ve . . . joined . . . us . . . do you think . . . you could . . . take it a bit . . . easier . . . ? Please.’

‘EASIER?’ Achilles roared. ‘DO YOU THINK THANATOS IS GOING TO TAKE IT EASY ON YOU, YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A SOLDIER? NOW GIVE ME TWENTY MORE! YOUR MAJESTY, SIR!’

‘I’ll give you twenty all right,’ grumbled Zeus. ‘Twenty thunderbolts right up your bally . . .’

‘If you can’t handle it,’ said Hera, switching from her left side to her right to perform her second set of one-armed press-ups, ‘I’m sure Achilles will understand. After all, you are getting on a bit . . .’

‘The only thing I am getting on is your ruddy nerves,’ said Zeus, straining at his third press-up. ‘And that’s just for fun.’

‘Achilles, sir!’ Hera yelled, jumping to her feet and performing a perfect salute. ‘Permission to do fifty sit-ups while the troops complete the drill!’

‘QUEEN HERA, YOU ARE AN EXAMPLE TO THEM ALL!’ Achilles barked back. ‘PERMISSION GRANTED! ATTEN . . . TION!’

Achilles snapped his arm to his head to return Hera’s salute, and it promptly fell off.

‘AS YOU WERE!’ he ordered, screwing his right arm back into place with his left. ‘TOOK A MORTAR AT PASSCHENDAELE! NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! PERFECTLY ARMLESS! HA HA!’

‘Is this strictly necessary?’ Athene grumbled. ‘Wars are won as much on tactics and strategy as brute force. Shouldn’t we be coming up with a battle plan?’

‘ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU AND YOU’LL BE DOING STAR JUMPS UNTIL THE NEXT ICE AGE!’ Achilles screamed at the Goddess of Wisdom. ‘STOP EXERCISING YOUR MOUTH AND START WORKING THOSE BINGO WINGS! NOW!’

Achilles stamped his foot on the floor, making his left leg fall off.

‘MUSKET WOUND FROM THE BOER WAR!’ he explained, hopping over to retrieve his fallen leg. ‘MADE THIS ONE OUT OF OLD BICYCLE WHEELS! WORKS LIKE A CHARM! JUST NEED TO WATCH OUT FOR PUNCTURES!’

‘Sho, shweetie,’ Ares cooed at Aphrodite as they pressed-up face-to-face in the corner. ‘I shee you’re shtill ash beautiful ash the lasht time I shaw you.’

Aphrodite giggled, while Athene retched loudly next to them.

‘I’m not falling for that again,’ she lilted.

‘That’sh not fair,’ Ares winked. ‘Eshpeshilly shinshe I’ve fallen for you . . .’

He went to kiss Aphrodite’s hand mid-press-up, but, with neither of their right arms to support them, they both came crashing down on the floor.

‘You shee,’ said Ares, propping himself up on his left elbow. ‘I’ve fallen for you sho hard.’

‘Teeheehehehehehehehe,’ Aphrodite simpered, returning to her press-ups before Achilles could shout again.