I was also baffled. In all the times we’d emailed and chatted, he’d never said anything like this. I’d figured that, like me, he was actively making changes in his life. He’d even mentioned some stuff about his job that had sounded really promising.

Josh shrugged and frowned again, but I wasn’t going to let it slide entirely. I’d ask him about his not-so-bigger life later.

“Well, at least you have this,” she said, indicating me and Josh. “You have each other.”

Did we, though? Maybe Josh’s great big fear, what was holding him back, was me. Yes, he was there on holiday with me, but maybe the thought of something more permanent, more meaningful, was keeping him rooted to the spot.

I didn’t dare look at Josh. I just sipped my drink and chewed on my straw. I didn’t want to be anyone’s great big fear.

Chapter 12

As a surprise, Josh had booked an excursion for the following day—something he’d snuck in while I was getting ready for dinner. We were going snorkelling at Molokini Crater. It was just off the western coast of Maui and was considered some of the best snorkelling in the world. Not only that, the waters between the coast and the atoll were great for spotting dolphins and whales, and on the way back we’d be stopping to look for sea turtles!

He told me at dinner, then added, “I hope you don’t mind, but I told Siobhan and she’s going to book it too.”

“Oh, that’s great,” I replied, glad we had plans to see her again.

“You sure?”

“Of course! I adore her.”

“Oh good—I mean, I do too. She’s cool.” He took a bite of steak and with his hand over his mouth said, “She asked me about us, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

He swallowed the steak while I waited for him to explain. “Just about how long we’ve been together.”

Be cool, Sarah. “Oh yeah?” I feigned indifference and loaded up a fork with some grilled fish. “What did you tell her?”

“Just that we met travelling a few months ago and that we’re good friends. I wanted to clear up the idea that we were a couple.”

Oh.

“Oh, cool.” I added my very best this-is-not-fake smile.

“That’s okay, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, of course.” It’s. Not. Okay. I took a bite, even though my stomach had soured with the lie.

“I mean, we can’t exactly call it a relationship. More of a vacationship.” He laughed at his play on words and I nearly choked on my fish. What the hell was he talking about? “I heard that on a podcast. I thought it was a good description of us. Better than ‘travel buddies’, don’t ya think?”

I could only nod in response. He didn’t seem to notice that I lost my appetite after that. I sipped my wine, a riesling from Washington. It was over-priced, but tasty. It was also a decent salve for discovering that one of my boyfriends didn’t think we were in a relationship at all.