I didn’t like being duplicitous—actually, that’s putting it mildly. I hated that part. But I didn’t know what else to do. I’d left London knowing I had feelings for James, and those had intensified over the past few months.

But Josh and I had something special too—even more so after months of lengthy emails and long chats.

Over the past few months, I’d engaged in some intricate emotional gymnastics to give myself as much as possible to each relationship. The situation was emotionally gruelling, but I wasn’t prepared to decide between them before I knew who I wanted to be with. The decision loomed ominously, but I had to see each of them again before I chose.

And, of course, way in the back of my mind was the possibility that I wouldn’t end up with either of them. I was a different version of myself now—Sarah 2.0. I loved this Sarah, but maybe she wouldn’t be a fit for Josh or James. And maybe, they wouldn’t be a fit for her.

Maybe I’d decide to be on my own.

This was my least favourite outcome, by the way. I’d spent many, many hours pondering what my life would be like with a proper partner, someone to love and laugh with, to build a life with. I’d never had that kind of relationship, that kind of life, and I wanted it. And, just like in that film, Sliding Doors, I’d imagined two version of it.

One in which I went home from work to a stylish flat in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney—kind of like my current flat, but bigger and nicer—to my tech-geek boyfriend and we drank G&Ts on the balcony and told each other about our days. And the other in which I invited my friends out onto our yacht for a day trip around Sydney Harbour, James at the helm and bottles of bubbles on ice.

And the future I wanted most?

Well, that depended on the day, who I’d spoken to most recently, and what was going on in my life at any given moment. I can’t say I liked being capricious any more than I liked being duplicitous. The whole situation, the good, the bad, and the very, very ugly, was like being on The Bachelorette and in The Twilight Zone at the same time—like I said, exhilarating and exhausting.

The other thing wearing me down was that only three people knew about my messy love life—Cat, Lins, and Nick. Until I sorted it all out, I only wanted to discuss it with my closest friends. This meant I was keeping a lot of secrets, which sucked.

Overall, though, life was good. I’d gone from a tiny existence—going to the gym, solo dinners and cask wine, imposing myself on Lins and Nick far too often, and hanging out with Domino—to something much bigger. I loved most of it, but I was shattered, and a trip to Maui over New Year’s was exactly how I wanted to recharge. I would make a toast to new beginnings, and somewhere in there, I’d edge closer to one of the biggest decisions of my life.