In the end, what I sent was this:

I’m coming home early—will explain everything then. Will let you know flight stuff as soon as I do. ps it’s bad. Sx

I sent it the moment we emerged from the mountain pass, just after we saw one of those big green road signs for Te Anau and my phone started bleeping with all the messages and notifications from the past twenty-four hours.

Then I checked those messages and notifications.

Josh:

I have amazing news! Call me as soon as you get this.

I checked the date and time. He’d sent it at lunchtime the day before, right after I’d entered that very same mountain pass. Great, he’s going to think I’m ignoring him. I sent off a reply, mindful that James was sitting right beside me.

Hi. Sorry. I’m out of town.

(Not a lie.)

Will call you when I’m back. Excited to hear your news.

There—almost honest. I was out of town and I was excited to hear his news, even though I suspected that when he told me, I’d be playing the role of “awesome long-distance friend”.

And then my brain did the thing it does when you’re supposed to be in anguish, but it just can’t cope, so it takes you somewhere ludicrous. I suddenly remembered the moment in Clueless when Cher realises that she loves her stepbrother—her stepbrother called Josh.

And just like Cher, I had a flood of memories of my Josh—Joshua Walker, the dork who made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe, who showed me that I, too, wanted a bigger life, the guy who I felt like myself with, and had fun adventures with. And the guy who lived on the other side of the world and was almost a decade younger than me, the one who didn’t know how he felt about me.

There I was with the most handsome man I’d ever seen in real life, a man who made enough money for me never to have to worry about it again, a man who gave me mind-blowing orgasms, a man who loved me, and what did I realise?

I love Josh.

I said it to myself, over and over—not out loud, of course—but it was liberating. I had promised myself I’d decide between my two boyfriends after New Zealand and in a weird way I had.

That said, the one I chose wanted a vacationship, not a real commitment, so what I’d actually chosen was to be single.

My phone bleeped twice. They’d both replied.

OMFG!!!!!! Airport—yes, no worries. Love you. FUCK!

That one was from Lindsey.

And this one from Josh:

Sounds great! Can’t wait. Jxxx

Three kisses. Three! I figured it must be incredibly big news.

Maybe he’s decided he loves me and can’t live without me. Sure, Sarah. Get a frigging grip. You haven’t even said goodbye to James yet.