“I had no idea when I went to Greece that I would meet someone like you, or that someone like you even existed. I was not at a good point in my life. I was …” I paused, trying to find the right word. “… Broken. I wasn’t me. I’d lost me.”

Tears prickled my eyes again and I blinked them back, wishing them gone. I needed to get through this. “I was a giant ball of nerves and worry and sadness before I started that trip. But I went anyway. I was brave, and it changed me.” I knew if I could just make James understand what I’d gone through, he’d understand why I couldn’t be with him.

I took a deep breath.

“That whole trip—everything—the things we did, what I saw, what I ate …” A smile alighted on my face as I laughed gently at myself. James chuckled, and we smiled at each other through our tears.

“And the people—Duncan, my friends from the boat, you, Josh—I haven’t talked to you about him, because it wasn’t right to and maybe now isn’t the time, but meeting him was important to me too. And everything that happened, all the laughing and telling each other our stories, the long conversations—some frivolous, some serious—all of that, it affected me.

“I remembered who I used to be, that I was adventurous and sexy and funny. I mean, I am really fucking hilarious …” I laughed and James joined in. “I remembered that I had a lot to be grateful for. And I also realised I’d been neglecting my own life.”

I was at the hardest part.

“After Greece, after our time together in London, I went home and started participating in my life again—I’ve told you about that. And, it felt great—feels great. I love what I’m doing. I love living in Sydney. I love my friends and my job … my life. And I do have feelings for you, and I thought I was prepared to drop everything to be with you, if that’s how it all turned out, but I’m realising now, almost as I speak, that I can’t. I can’t pick up and leave the rest of my life to be with you—especially not how you want it to be. I just … I can’t be that Sarah again.”

I dissolved into sobs. James came to me and held me, and I clung to him. It was the most adult moment of my life, and probably the most heart-breaking.

He held me for some time. I couldn’t say how long, as time is hard to discern when your world has been thrust into chaos. He was crying too and when we eventually let go of each other, he rested his forehead on mine.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

It was a fair question. If I’d been in his position, I would want to make absolutely sure that the person I loved—who might just love me back—didn’t want to spend their life travelling the world with me.