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Contents (27)
  1. A Midsummer Tights Dream
  2. Dedication
  3. Contents
  4. Back on the showbiz express
  5. Winter of Love
  6. I’m not an ice cream, I’m a human being!
  7. There’s no people like show people
  8. Eat the boat!
  9. Human glue
  10. Calf love
  11. Don’t forget your Bottom
  12. My corkers are on the move
  13. He’s a rusty heathen crow
  14. The ladder of showbiz
  15. Good-bye to a Tree Sister
  16. The hamster slippers of life
  17. A naturally cracking kisser
  18. Tunneling for his life
  19. Return of Cain the Bad
  20. Warming up my Bottom
  21. The fall of Dother Hall
  22. A Midsummer Tights Dream
  23. Tallulah’s glossary
  24. Other Works
  25. Copyright
  26. Back Ads
  27. About the Publisher

I know he doesn’t deserve it, but I am a bit worried about him. Out there all alone.

In the dark and cold.

He might die out there. Or at least get pneumonia.

And what will he be eating? I wonder if he is having to cook worms for his tea?

Return of Cain the Bad

AS I STOOD LOOKING up the path, I could see the rocks and crags, bleak against the darkening sky. The wind was whistling and howling. There was something creepy and exciting about it. I liked it somehow, I don’t know why. It suited my mood, I suppose.

And also what was there to be frightened of? On the moors? Fang was just a silly village story. How could a dog be half-dog half-donkey? If Fang was half-otter half-dog, that would be more likely. And who could be frightened of that? A dog that really liked swimming? That’s not very scary.

As I stood there being blown about by the wind, I was still excited about Charlie saying I was a cracking kisser. If it was true, maybe there was a way I could show Alex that I wasn’t just a little girl anymore. I pulled my coat about me. I thought I’d go and look at the moors. I went up the back road as far as the low branch. Ruby told me that if you hung upside down on it, it made you happy because all the bad feelings dropped out.

I’m going to try it. I turned upside down on the branch and was swinging by my legs. In the wind. It was quite peaceful as I rocked back and forward.

The sky looked even more dramatic upside down. Then there was a really loud rumble of thunder and a crash of lightning. I got the right way round quickly. The atmosphere had gone all shivery. It must be about to pour down.

And then I felt a presence. There was definitely something alive very near to me. Oh no.

Fang. He might really, really be real. Maybe he can smell teenagers.

I looked into the dark fearfully. I could see a dark shape. Oooooh noooooo.

It wasn’t Fang. But it was nearly as bad.

“What’s tha doin’ hanging abhat here?”

Cain was there, looking at me from underneath his eyelashes. I couldn’t see his eyes very well as he had his collar up.

He went on looking.

And I went on looking.

I was so shocked to see him I couldn’t speak. I managed to croak out. “Are you … well, are you all right? No one knew where you were. And one of the lads said you might have, you know, been dead.”

I could see his teeth curving into a bitter smile. He said, “Why, were you worried abaht me? Did you miss me?”

I said, “No, I didn’t, well, you know, we didn’t know where you were, and Mrs. Bottomly with her gun and everything.”

Cain said, “That woman couldn’t hit a bloody elephant, even if it had a target painted on it.”