I think she and Seth Hinchcliff may be a marriage made in heaven (ish).

He’s a rusty heathen crow

BY THE TIME WE stopped talking about Phil and what he could do, the joint was quite literally hopping inside and out. Vaisey was so wound up about seeing Jack that she was practically herding us into the hall like a collie dog. Ruby snuck in with us but one of the blokes from The Iron Pies who was on bouncer duty saw her and said, “Ay up, Ruby, I see thee, you little madam. Get along home now, your dad’ll have our guts for garters if we let thee in.”

Ruby was livid and was kicking the wall.

I said, “Never mind, Rubes, your day will come. We’ll go and see the owlets tomorrow and you can wear the lipstick I bought you.”

She just said, “Huh.”

Then one of the village lads ran into Ruby’s legs on his bike. I think they call him “Bites yer legs.” I asked Ruby why and she said because he was called Norman. And I had said, “Oh, I see,” but I don’t. He was about Ruby’s age.

She clattered him across his head and he said, “Ay up, Ruby, going my way, luv?”

Ruby looked at him. “What, with thee?”

He said, “Aye, I’ve got some tripe for the dog and I’ve got summat for thee as well. Interested?”

Ruby said, “Might be.”

He said, “This is my offer, tripe for tha dog and I’ll bike you home and give thee a snog if you’re lucky.”

Ruby hit him over the head again. Which seemed to me the right thing to do, but then she said, “All right, shift up.”

And she got on the back of Norm’s bike. Matilda trotted off behind, her little doggie bottom waggling under the pink tutu.

This place never ceases to amaze me. You never read stuff like this in Jane Eyre. I don’t think the Brontë sisters would be on the school curriculum if people really knew what the North was like.

Inside the village hall, the stage was set up with microphones and a drum kit. Vaisey said, going a bit redder, “That’s Jack’s kit, I think he’s got new sticks.”

One of the big lads that I’d seen at The Blind Pig was doing a disco before The Jones came on. Quite a few peeps were dancing around and Flossie said, “Let’s cheer ourselves up by doing the famous Hiddly Diddly Diddly dance as a group. None of us have got the knees for it, besides Tallulah, but we can do our best.”

I felt proud that I had a dance named after me and when the next fast record came on we all started leaping and waggling our legs. It made you a bit hysterical leaping up and down. My knees were coming into their own. I was leaping higher and higher!! Vaisey’s hair had gone mad.

As we did our grand final leap, the music stopped, and the Bottomly sisters arrived. We were panting and leaning against chairs. And Eccles, Chas, and Dil came and looked at us. I mean really came and looked at us. Looming over us with their arms crossed.