Viola didn’t understand why or just how long I’d been feeling bad inside. Years. It was hard to explain and she didn’t seem all that interested when I tried. Between the two of us, she thank she the one who got the right to get scared. Ain’t nobody else supposed to worry except her. She thank she got all the answers to everybody’s problems even when she ain’t sure what the problem is. She just said if I didn’t start feeling better no time soon then go to the doctor. I ain’t never liked going to the doctor. I ain’t got no physical problems except this arthritis, but I know what to do about that. How is a doctor supposed to fix head feelings? And what about your heart? What can he do to make it feel good again, to make it feel passion and excitement? Can a doctor give you a prescription to feel all that again? I don’t believe he can.

When we started getting robbed and had to close up all but one of the joints, Viola got mad with me. She blamed me for everything that went wrong but didn’t give me no credit when thangs went right. That’s why I got me a new street address. ’Cause if it weren’t for her I’d still be home. It’s only so much a man can take after years of being told what to do, how to do it, when to do it, how to be a man, or how much man you used to be. What you ain’t up to no more. A woman can wear a man down. Viola is and always have been one bossy woman. I accepted that. She didn’t use to be so pushy, but she knew how to push my buttons. She’d say “Jump” and I’d ask, “How high, baby?” That’s the kind of power she had. Still got, but I finally had to take my finger off the plug and let the air come on out. ’Cause I got tired. Tired of fussing. Tired of explaining. Tired of lying ’cause it was safer than the truth. But mostly I was tired of apologizing for being Cecil.

I used to didn’t thank it was possible to ever stop loving somebody once you started, but I was wrong. Well, maybe I should get this right. I do love Viola, but I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I just don’t like her ass no more. She’s mean. A old broad who used to purr but now all she do is roar. I wish there was a nice way to tell your wife she’s a royal bitch and a major pain in the ass, but I ain’t been able to come up with one. Lord knows I woulda told her a long time ago. I never wanted to hurt her feelings, not like she hurt mine.

I don’t mind getting wet. It ain’t that cold out here. This is March. Our winter ain’t no real winter. It must be sixty-five or seventy degrees. As a matter of fact, these raindrops feel good. I could stand out here all day if I just had to, but I don’t have to. Do I? I done forgot all about my hair. Lord knows I don’t want no activator dripping on my good shirt. I wore it just for Viola.