I fall for miles and miles. I feel everything. The air being sucked from my lungs, the flailing of my heavy limbs, the wind sharp and cold against my skin. Every muscle in my chest clenches tighter. I shut my eyes.

It won’t hurt, hitting the bottom. It won’t hurt. Aim for the water. Just like we did before.

No. It will not hurt. It will wake me up. That is all I need. One big burst, one shot of energy to jolt me.

Deep breath.

“I can’t …”

Cybelle.

The sound in my ears is like an explosion. The water is cold. My body, still hugged in a tight ball, descends farther and farther down before unravelling. I have plunged too far down. Now, the sharks come. I must hurry. Every tread of water comes with the sharp, blinding pains of exertion as I fight against the pressure. Every moment hurts. It is so painful, but it is the only way.

Fangs sink into my legs. I can only use my arms now. I paddle and paddle … the surface is so close, and my lungs are about to give out.

I’m sorry, Cybelle. Goodbye.

I burst through the surface, sending water everywhere in a powerful cascade. I’m sitting upright in the dark, coughing the water out of my lungs. Trembling violently with the shock and cold, I haul myself over the rim of my bathtub. The momentum of my own weight does most of the work. Shuddering in my soaking wet nightgown and the pool of water that has flooded the bathroom floor, I let out racking sobs of panic as I try to remember how I got here. My washroom, my bathtub. I remember none of it. It’s okay. I drag myself across the tiny floor to the wall to turn on the light. The light will make everything better.

Everything — my nightgown, the water left in the tub and all over the floor — is red.

I want to go home.

PART III

fourteen

LIONS AND UNICORNS

知らぬが仏

Ignorance is bliss

Miso udon noodle soup with shiitake mushrooms

Gomae (Japanese sesame spinach salad)

Ginger Miso Soba Noodle Bowls with Wakame

“Geez. I hope I can make all of these things. This one looks good … hmm, this one looks hard …”

I’m scrolling through Pinterest, lying on the floor, fully dressed for work, when my iPhone starts to buzz in my hands and play gentle, soothing koto music. The alarm title “time to move!” pops up on the screen. I sigh and somehow manage to roll over onto my side, then push myself up. It’s time to bundle into my big white puffy winter coat and leave my empty-ish apartment. Ever since my family left, Zozo’s apartment has never felt so devoid of life. They left with most of my clothes and knick-knacks, so I don’t have to worry too much about shipping six and a half years of stuff back to Canada. And after two weeks of being crammed in here, cooking, shouting, laughing, and fighting, I feel even more relaxed and ready to go back to work. No chance of falling down the rabbit hole of stress these next few months, that’s for sure.