And instead, there I was, shaking and floundering and still the same insipid girl who let her heart get stomped on. Who loved so hard she lost herself.

Why was I like this? Why could I never be the Amaya that existed in my head? The version of myself that never made an entrance when I most needed it, instead of this watery, half-boiled counterpart?

I grunted in frustration and launched myself off the toilet. I yanked out some tissues and blotted my upper lip, my neck, and stuffed more into the armpits of my dress. I couldn’t splash water on my face without ruining my makeup, so I washed my hands instead.

I looked around the vanity for a pair of scissors or a razor. I couldn’t find any of those, but there was a little dish of safety pins and hair clips. I picked up a safety pin, opening it. This will do just fine.

If I was unsure about my plans to ruin this wedding before, meeting Spencer solidified everything. I thought of his earnest smile. The way his fingers pressed into the soft flesh of my upper arm. I had to go through with it. I didn’t have a choice.

I took the pointed end of the pin and stuck it under the nail on my thumb. It was exactly what I needed. I felt some of my anxious energy drain out with the drop of blood that oozed into the sink. I inhaled. I counted to five.

I needed Dr. Dunn. He’d have told me to “just get it done.” I’d rolled my eyes at the catchphrase when I first heard it, but he was right. I needed to stop procrastinating. I had to take initiative.

Then I remembered the way Spencer’s eyes bored deep into mine, and the way I’d feel when he smiled at me. Like the world was mine to take. The exhilaration I felt from knowing that he loved me. That he had chosen me.

Forget Dr. Dunn. What I really need is Alexander. Or at least, the way I felt after Alexander was done with me.

I thought about messaging him, which was still within our agreement, after all, but I knew what he’d say. He’d order me to take off my panties and keep them in my purse the whole night, and not allow me to touch myself until I got home and begged him for his permission. I couldn’t handle that kind of distraction right now.

I took out the A5-sized envelope from my handbag.

This was just plan A. I hoped it would work. That I didn’t have to make it all the way to plan C. Because meeting Spencer pushed any doubts I had from my mind. I had to do whatever it took.

—

I kept my eyes focused ahead of me as I wove my way through the crowd. I didn’t want to accidentally look at any numbers and see any unlucky signs. I didn’t want anything changing my mind. I knew what I had to do. The party had really gone into full swing by the time I made it out of the bathroom. I considered grabbing a glass of champagne from one of the many waiters that whizzed by, but decided it would be best to keep my wits about me, and grabbed a bite-size seafood quiche instead. I could barely take a nibble from it.