17

AMAYA

The Night before the Wedding

We’ve already established that I was a wuss, right? That I was happy to float through life having decisions made for me. To have friends who would decide where I went and what kind of social life I would have, to have a lover who would tell me everything he wanted me to do in bed. I was happy to give up control. I’ve fought before. And it damn near killed me.

They say that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. I say that’s a lie. What doesn’t kill you can sometimes leave you paralyzed. That’s what happened to me.

I wish I had died. It’s coming close to six years now, and there are times I feel my mind forgets, but my body does not. And so I look for signs. To tell me that things would be okay.

Because we have so little control over what happens to us anyway, why shouldn’t we search for signs? For something to help us along. For something, anything, to help me along.

But here I am, about to do something that is very much in my control. I don’t want it to be in my control. I’m scared out of my mind. I can’t believe this is what I’ve turned into. More than five years of happily giving over control and now I’m trying to wrestle it back in the worst way possible.

I pulled out the knife and looked it over. It was sharp. I’d made sure of that.

There was no point overthinking this. I shoved the knife back in my bag and checked the time. 9:58 p.m. I waited till 10:10 p.m. just to be sure. I needed all the luck I could get.

I had to be extra careful to make sure my footsteps didn’t echo on the wooden floor. The old wing was usually not very busy. Most guests prefer to book a room in the newer section, with the larger bathrooms and more modern trimmings.

I hesitated at the bottom of the staircase. I knew the direction I was supposed to go. I knew what I had to do.

But still, something held me back.

Of course something held me back. This was ridiculous. I was going to do something ridiculous. I would be caught. Arrested.

There was a flight ticket, printed and stored safely away with my passport back at my house. I just needed to lie low afterward. The sooner I got on that plane back to the US the better.

I turned to my left, took a few steps, and paused. There was one last thing I could do.

Then I turned around and walked all the way down to room 112, where I knew Kaavi was staying. The only one in the entire wedding party in the old wing. She would be alone. I tried to think about that, and not how her room number just missed the mark on being lucky. I hoped it wasn’t a sign of things to come.