And I didn’t, because I love our family.

And I didn’t, because it would not have been worth risking everything.

And I didn’t, because the only one for me was you.

That’s how stupid I am, Tara.

That’s the kind of lightweight I am.

But I did not get to tell Tara these things because my wife was sleeping the sleep of total and utter exhaustion.

I realised with a start that she had been awake for twenty-four hours too.

But it had not occurred to me that she would be sleeping on this night. I had assumed that neither of us would ever sleep again in this broken home.

Tara had kicked off the sheets and now she shivered in her sleep in the cold spring night wearing just T-shirt and pants.

And even now – I loved her. And I wanted that love to stop, to turn it off, because it would never do anything but hurt me.

I reached for the sheets and went to cover her and then, angry at myself now for my Labrador-like devotion, I dropped them and turned away without covering her.

And so we wear down love, I thought, and so we chip away at it, and so we reduce something precious, something priceless, to nothing much at all.

23

Christian

Have you ever noticed this really weird thing about life?

It goes on, even when life is changed, damaged, diminished.

Normal life!

It goes right on, even when there is nothing normal about it.

When my parents died I wanted the world to stop, just for a day or two, just until I could adjust my head to this new and unimaginable reality. But the world doesn’t stop. That’s what you learn when life kicks you in the teeth and then stomps on your face. Life goes on and doesn’t give a damn about your sleepless night, or your aching heart, or your breaking home.

The first milky light of dawn was creeping into the room when Buddy appeared in the doorway, blinking at me. Marlon would not wake for another hour or so and then he would need breakfast, coaxing to clean his teeth and his hand held as we walked to school. Even in the ruins, there it was, the never-ending routine of family life, even as your family is falling apart.

I hauled my aching body from the sofa. Buddy and I headed for the hallway where his collar and lead were waiting.

There was nobody around outside.

The photographers and journalists had all gone home at some point in the night. Would they come back during office hours? Perhaps it wasn’t enough of a story to stay out all night. The dating guru and her murdered lover. Perhaps the news agenda had changed now they had picked up the guy who they believed really did it.

Perhaps he was the story now.

The British soldier.

Buddy and I turned right, the pair of us so accustomed to our route that there was no pull on the lead.