Allegedly, we were to be told there was a completely fresh season of Starship Uprising in development to debut on a popular streaming service. Elatedly, we practically soil ourselves with anticipation and pray that our actions have not jeopardized the triumphant return of our favorite show. To our relief, production moves forward, minus Jake Knight because of increasing evidence regarding his sexual harassment, though we assume this will have no lasting ramifications. He is Jake Knight, and how can anything challenge a man like that? And when does Faith Massey not confront a challenge? Faith Massey takes selfies on set as she’s done up in the purple skin and silicone concentric crop circle forehead of the Kil’aathi by a man who is not her ex-husband. She also takes a selfie with her daughter and her baby, Joey, and captions it thus: “I have reunited with Ashley. My grandson is a joy. One day, I hope my fans can also share the gift of forgiveness.” When the episodes premiere, we build a nest of blankets, memorabilia, and food (with, yes, Skinny Friend frozen dinners) on our couches and settle in for the long haul. In the first episode, Commander Dinara Gorun is thrown back in time and discovers that the woman who rescued her from the Voydal internment camps was herself. With gravitas, we recite to our televisions, “To save the universe, we must also save ourselves.” The following episode, the main computer is endowed with sentience and goes crazy, so they provide it with porn from a race of sadomasochistic shape-shifters to chill it out. “Put on the ball gag and turn into a gorilla,” a shape-shifter instructs. “Now bark like a dog, as a gorilla.” This thrills us, and we hashtag up a storm. Even the Voydals are impressed and pleased. Starship Uprising is as wonderful as it ever was. We forgive.

realtor to the damned

Before relatives could ruin our fun with anecdotes, my wife and I made a game of guessing the histories of the dead. There was Greg, who was convinced that when he wore his bifocals with owls on the rims that he could decode messages from outer space in his crossword puzzle. And Beth became bored with knitting scarves, so her many amorphous blobs of yarn were chastity belts for retirees with arthritic hips. Dan was aroused by the sight and smell of cocktail olives, but the effectiveness of old jars wore off eventually, which was why he had so many jars of cocktail olives. Yolanda crafted those paper cranes out of the obituaries she recognized.

What pathos we inflicted upon the deceased’s potted plants. Once, we discovered a closet filled with golf balls. Upon their inadvertent release, the golf balls sprang around the foyer like giant popcorn kernels that refused to bloom.

“He was a sportswriter,” I said. “He kept a golf ball for every tournament he was assigned to cover for his paper.”

“He had that disorder that compels you to eat objects,” she replied. “This is his food.”