There’s another mass shooting, causing everyone to forget about the local news-channel shooting. Footage of this mass shooting isn’t uploaded, but the shooter did post a clip of himself ranting about his horniness-slash-failure-to-get-pussy and how he was going to walk into a university lecture hall and pump bullets into the career-driven feminists who deemed themselves too good for him and caused his pussilessness. Shady Dave categorizes it as inflammatory hate speech, and the team syncs it for removal in their screaming panels. A popular media-gossip columnist takes a screenshot of the shooter’s online dating profile. From the profile, the woman ascertains that the shooter is a Scorpio, that he is both more conservative and more sex-driven than other males in his demographic, and that he’s been told his piercing blue eyes are his most noticeable feature. The tagline in his bio reads, “Will you visit me in prison?” Feminists who speak out against the shooting are doxxed, their home addresses, employers, and cell phone numbers smeared across online bulletin boards with warnings to behave or brave the wrath of alpha males.

“The hashtag #KillFeminists is trending,” someone says.

“Some of these hate-mentions of feminists are so nasty they’re making me blush, and I watch people get disemboweled for a living,” says someone.

Shady Dave strolls in and tells them they can be quiet or they can lick his immense scrotum.

“Where are we with the ASS situation?”

The someones in the room look at him like, duh.

“BabyJesusUpchuck? Cunty? Someone? I want to nail this ASS!”

I AM ASS, spelled in all caps, isn’t a singular entity, but a plurality. ASS, which is their name for themselves, not the ninjas’ name for them, is an elite band of hackers who work for the Agency, a highly secretive online propaganda organization, aka disinformation combat unit, aka troll farm, based in Russia and mandated with the sowing of chaos and general assholery in the United States. ASS has fabricated a gas explosion in Colorado, an Ebola outbreak in Massachusetts, and an incident of police brutality prompted by real police brutality in Missouri, using fake screenshots, photographs, and news footage that is then spammed at random as well as at targeted, gullible opinion leaders, like politicians and former reality-television stars. ASS also spouts racist, misogynistic, and nonsensical babble in the comments section wherever and whenever they can register a username without too much scrutiny.

The woman hasn’t had the stomach for online dating since she met the rapist, but thanks to the shooter’s profile and I AM ASS, a trick occurs to her that wouldn’t have otherwise. She loads the site that introduced her to the rapist, signs out of her former self, and comes up with a new identity from scratch. Who would strike the rapist’s fancy? Someone smart but not potential competition, someone attractive but not threatening. Like BABYOK, she crawls through public photo streams searching for lives to steal, settling on a cute sophomore at Stanford. As soon as the Frankenprofile is good to go, she lets the rapist know she’s interested by clicking the button that says “Let him know you’re interested.” The rapist replies with, Hey. And then, brilliantly, What’s up?