My brother and dad are too busy stuffing their faces to make conversation, but they make plenty of approving noises. I beam at the both of them, loving my family even though it’s smaller than it used to be.

I hope Ben is having a good Thanksgiving. We’ve been texting sporadically ever since he left, talking on the phone a few lucky times, and I’m surprised at how much I miss him. Normally, Thursdays are full of Ben—the two of us reading and talking during his morning treatment. But, with the holiday and his trip, I won’t get to see him again till next week.

The chair next to me is empty. I wish it weren’t. I want him here, getting to know my family, cracking jokes that would help take my mind off the pain of the past. If he were here, I’d reach for his hand under the table, just so I could hold on to him.

When did Ben become the person I most want to turn to when I’m feeling unsteady?

24

Holly: Sorry, but I can’t read to you today. Too much to study for finals.

BEN

I get her text just as I’m setting out all the materials I need to hook myself up. The words send my stomach twisting downward.

Another day without Holly.

It’s the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, and yesterday, she told me, if I started my treatment after her work shift, then she’d come by tonight.

We haven’t seen each other in a week, and I’m getting jittery. It’s like, without regular doses of her, I go into withdrawal. I’m even considering if I can push my treatment off until tomorrow, so I can go find her right now. I just want to hold her against me, hear her scold me for being irresponsible, and then kiss her long and slow until she forgets my bad behavior.

But she needs to study, and I don’t want her to think of me as a distraction.

I thought I’d have to be on my own in Denver, but Holly told me to call her when I was hooked up. So, I sat in that depressing place, surrounded by people in the same shitty situation as me, and followed her directions. She proceeded to read to me over the phone for almost the entire three-hour session. Then, she did it again two days later.

Even though I knew I was being a leech, I greedily accepted every minute of time she offered.

Now, I’m here, dreading the thought of sitting with these stupid tubes in my arms for hours with no Holly to talk to or listen to or look at. In a way, her coming to my treatments has made things worse. Now that she’s shown me how easy it can be when she’s around, getting my dialysis without her makes me want to tear my hair out and then take a bat to the machine.

I resign myself to the distraction of a movie, navigating through the digital downloads until I find Die Hard 2. Maybe some gun fights and explosions will drown out my restless thoughts.