We almost kissed. At least, that was what it felt like to me. I barely pulled myself away from him.

He was probably just being kind. A good friend. Comforting me as I told him about my grams. That’s all it was.

It would’ve been horrible if I’d leaned in for a kiss and he’d backed away, looking at me like I was a crazy person. Or even worse, what if he’d let me kiss him out of pity or because he’d felt obligated to keep me happy? Humiliating.

Good thing I have some self-restraint.

Instead of following my directions, Ben leans against the counter and grabs a towel. As he picks up dishes from the drying rack and starts wiping them down, he watches me.

I try not to fidget.

“What do you find attractive in a guy?”

The bowl I’m holding slips out of my hands, clanking around in the sink and splashing water onto my sweater.

Real smooth.

“What?” I try to recover my composure, concentrating on the dirty dishes.

“You know … what makes someone attractive? To you specifically,” Ben asks casually, like he’s inquiring about what movies I like or how I take my coffee.

“That’s a complicated question.” I scrub vigorously at a specific spot that doesn’t really need as much attention as I’m giving it.

“Really? I don’t think so. Here, I’ll go first.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see him scoop up some utensils to dry. “Obviously, there’s got to be something physical, but I like women in all different shapes and sizes.”

I snort and can hear the grin in his voice as he keeps talking, “Then, there’s the really important stuff. Like, do we laugh when we’re together? Can we talk for long stretches without running out of things to say? Does my family like her? Is she passionate about life? Does she have a kind heart? Do I smile every time I think about her?”

I’m hanging on every word, applying his questions to the two of us.

Is that what he wants me to do, or is Ben just making casual conversation?

“Here, I think that one’s clean.”

Gently, he pries the bowl I was repeatedly rinsing throughout his description out of my hand. His skin brushes against mine in the exchange, and I give an embarrassing jump. Ben chuckles and leans in until I’m forced to meet his eyes.

“Your turn.”

I can’t help biting my lip. It’s that or shout out, You! All I want is you!

Instead, I pick up the last plate, focusing on it while I work out an answer.

“You covered a lot of the bases. I guess I’d also want someone reliable. Honest. Someone I felt safe around. Like I could be me without being judged.” The air gets heavy again, so I fall back on a joke. “And, of course, a pretty face to round out the package.” When I grin over at Ben, I find him watching me. The eyes behind his glasses are emerald knives, cutting through my flimsy walls.