When I get out of the car, I pick up the shopping bags and go straight into the house. Maybe they won’t stop me to talk, but of course they do. I feel even worse about the situation as I watch Adrian Miles get angry. His partner steps in the way a little and somehow that holds him back. I can see this is personal for him. I guess he had a similar upbringing. He’s not protecting me so much as someone else, someone from his past – a mother, probably. I know how that feels. Every day I am grateful for the fact that I haven’t fallen pregnant, yet.

The officers ask me what happened and I lie but it’s pointless – everyone knows the truth. I can tell R is annoyed at me for coming home at that moment, but it doesn’t matter. He would have found something else to be annoyed at me about if it wasn’t that. He just woke up in one of those moods today. Sometimes it’s as simple as that.

I go to the kitchen and drink a couple of mouthfuls of gin before he gets here; I know what will happen when he does. I’ll just wait here.

When he comes back in he starts to taunt me about the detectives, asks me if I have spoken to them about him. I tell him I haven’t, why would I? He gets his phone out and shows me the video of Adrian rescuing me from the river and asks me if I told them about him.

I explain that they would have come sooner if I had told them, they would have asked him directly about it. No answer is good enough. He asks me if anything happened between DS Adrian Miles and me and I say no, how could it? I was barely conscious when he found me. He knows the real answers to all of the questions he is asking. This isn’t about me, this isn’t about the detective, this is about R making me squirm.

I flash back to the night of the attack again as he is talking to me. This time it feels more complete, not just a snapshot. I remember him asking me if Simon and I had fucked. I remember telling him no and then I remember him pounding Simon every time I said no. There was nothing else to say, if I had said yes then he would have killed him on the spot. I shudder at the thought of remembering anything else from that night, knowing that for me to block it out it must be so much worse.