He pushed back and kissed her even harder, the waistband of her jeans tugging as he tried to push his hand down the front. She grabbed his shoulders and forced him backwards, alarmed at his urgency.

‘I thought this was what you wanted?’ he said breathlessly.

‘What I wanted? Don’t you?’

‘Of course I do. I’m just still in a bit of pain, that’s all.’

‘I can wait,’ Imogen said, almost certain that she saw a look of relief on his face.

He pecked her on the cheek and went back into the lounge. As quickly as their moment of passion had started, it was over.

Maybe she was being paranoid. Maybe she wasn’t, though. Maybe there was something very wrong.

Chapter Sixty

Adrian was over halfway through the PEP pills the doctor had given him – three weeks already. He could hardly believe it. It seemed so long ago and yet sometimes it was like it was happening all over again. Whole chunks of time seemed to pass by without him noticing, usually when he was alone. Imogen being there at least kept him tethered to the present. The rest of the time he was lost inside himself, desperately trying to find his way back to the surface.

The physical pain had gone and Adrian missed it. It was as though he had no excuse anymore and he had to return to normality, whatever that was. He couldn’t keep pretending he was in pain to avoid sex. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with her, he did, he just wasn’t sure if he could. He was more terrified that they would start and then he would freak out. Then she would definitely know something was wrong. Maybe drinking was the way forward, or maybe that was a huge mistake. So much to consider.

This wasn’t fair to Imogen at all. Every time she looked at him, he could feel her eyes, dripping with worry. Adrian knew that his weight loss was concerning her, but not eating felt like a way to control something; he felt so out of control with everything else. When he was brave enough to look in the mirror, he could see the hollows of his cheeks getting deeper. He had to find a way through this, to be himself again.

He had wanted to wait until he got the results of his HIV test at least. He was waiting for Dr Hadley to call him with the results, having given consent for them to be given to her. Dr Hadley told him she would call at some point today.

He had already decided that if the results were positive, he would break up with Imogen. The idea killed him, but then he couldn’t put her in any danger. Not because of what he wanted or needed. He couldn’t be selfish like that.